MST3K: TWO MOONS TWO MANY

    This fanfic is the result of not doing your homework a head of time. While on my second tour of Korea I watch most of Season 1 Sailor Moon dubbed in Korean. When I started writing Two Moons Too Many I based it on my memory of what I thought I saw. Then I started watching the whole series in English. I slapped myself upside the head and commenced to re-writing. Also about this time I was reading a lot of MySTed fanfics on the Internet. Instead of just throwing away all the work, I decided to MyST it instead.

    Now for the legal junk. All borrowed characters copyright their original owners. All original characters copyright me, Joe Pullin. This fanfic may be posted on other sites in whole only. This fanfic may also be MySTed in part or whole. Tell me about it and I might post it on my site.

OP: How did I get stuck with this?

BECKY: The same way I was: Ravy ‘forgot’ to tell us about the brain storming session.

OP: Another great flash trickle. Now, what about you?

UNI: I volunteered.

OP/BECKY: WHAT!?

UNI: I was told it was Anime Fanfic. HENTAI! HENTAI!

            Op stands around looking confused. Becky covers her eyes in expiration.

BECKY: Do you know who wrote it?

OP: Hentai… Hentai… Hentai…

UNI: Uhm… no.

BECKY: Joe did.

UNI: You mean… ?

BECKY: No lemons, but we may be allowed to see a couple of PG-13 comments.

UNI: DAMN IT!

OP: Lemons?

            They start walking down the hall. Uni hopping along behind.

BECKY: So, where are we going to do it?

OP: In Ravy’s old campaign headquarters.

BECKY: The ladies shower room?

OP: We finally got Ravy to come out last week. He was so depressed over having lost by one vote.

UNI: He only got one vote.

            All three come up to the door. The Ravy 2000 HQ sign is hanging sideways by one loose screw. They go inside and see a table set up with three very worn and slightly comfortable chairs. On the table are three manuscripts. Stacked in the corner are several fresh pizzas and several pallets full of 24 packs of Jolt Cola.

PIZZA: Hi ya, toots. (does wolf whistle)

UNI: Definitely fresh, huh Becky?

OP: Interesting thing about working for a comic strip.

            Each sits down and picks up a manuscript lying on the table and thumbs through it.

OP: So what are we supposed to do exactly?

BECKY: Ever watch “Mystery Science Theater 3000?”

OP: No.

UNI: You’ll get the hang of it. Just read and make smart ass comments.

OP: Okay. I get it. I’m here to keep you clean.

UNI: Bugger.

BECKY: Since this is text, our comments will be set off with a <<.

OP: We’ll try not to break in the middle of the paragraphs because that messes up the script. This is Windows we are using.

UNI: Note he said, “try”.

BECKY: Look on the bright side, we can stop whenever we want.

            Suddenly there is a hammering on the door and nails start poking through.

RAVY: You ain’t leaving ‘till you’re done. There’s enough Jolt Cola to sober up

a platoon. That should keep you all awake. Since you are all ready in a bathroom there should be no reason to leave. I had better go turn the water back on.

            They all look at each other confused.

OP: Maybe we should have voted for him. I was his VEEP after all.

BECKY: In this state it wouldn’t have mattered.

UNI: Let’s just get this started.

Too Moons Two Many

<<BECKY: Two Too many.

<<UNI: Why is there a ‘wha’ sound in one but not two?

            Inspiration can strike at any moment.

<<UNI: This Fanfic and diarrhea already have too much in common.

                                                                          I caught an episode of Sailor Moon the other day. It was the one that introduced Sailor Mercury.

<<BECKY: Am I seeing a case of Senshi Worship developing here?

<<UNI: Mercury, not solid at room temperature.

<<OP: Senshi?

                                                                                            What was interesting about this show was

<<OP: Absolutely nothing.

                      that everybody thought that Amy (Sailor Mercury) was working for the badguys.

<<BECKY: That is except for the actual badguys.

<<UNI (As Razor Ramon/Scott Hall): Yo! Chica Moon!

             Unfortunately, Usagi figured out Amy was just a pawn. I think it would be way more interesting if she did turn bad.

<<UNI: Leather, whips, chains…

<<OP: Hush. Usagi?

<<BECKY: And only Joe would find that interesting.

            The reasons I choose this story is because

<<UNI (As Joe): I have no life.

                                                                                 I often like to pick out an odd element or seldom used or seen character and expand on it.

<<BECKY: And like every other fanboy just can’t leave them be obscured.

            Back to the main story. How am I going to pull off an evil Sailor Mercury? Free will? Sort of. Mind control? Sort of. Negaverse mind control? No.

<<OP: Plot contrivance?

                                                                                                           This is where I will insert some original characters. I figured the best way is to prevent Amy from becoming Sailor Mercury in the first place. Easily done when a badguy from another universe steps in.

<<UNI (As Gomer Pyle): Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

       He prevents Luna from discovering Sailor Mercury. The story line progress pretty much the same. Mostly because I haven’t seen the episodes between the introduction of Sailor Mars to Venus.

<<BECKY: I think he’s up to tape seven by now.

<<OP: Mostly because Sailor Moon makes little sense so there is no point in keeping the story linear.

<<UNI: Mostly because like every other fanboy, it is just easier to invent his own timeline.

                                                              It is here where I plan to introduce the main thrust of my story. A new ally of the Negaverse with his own squad of Cyber Sailor Scouts. So I guess now is a good time to have the non-spoiler character list.

<<UNI: No, now is a good time to hit Ctrl/Alt/Delete.

                                                                                                       This will not have all the characters, just ones significantly altered or new ones.

<<OP: Heaven forbid that any body who has never heard of Sailor Moon will read this.

<<UNI: Heaven forbid that anybody has to read this.

<<OP: What are we then?

<<UNI: We’re just cartoon characters, so we don’t really count.

<<BECKY: Fourth wall, gentlemen.

Negaman/Jesse Zero: To some up in one word, evil.

<<OP: Scoundrel.

<<UNI: Reprobate.

<<OP: Fiend.

<<BECKY: Turd.

<<UNI: Bastard.

<<        Op looks at them very cross.

<<BECKY: PG-13.

<<UNI: I’m going straight for R myself.

                                                                                       Saw no potential in the world he was from and used his vast technical and theoretical knowledge to travel to other time/universes.

<<UNI: This is some good weed.

                          But became trapped in a pocket dimension devoid of time.

<<OP: Along with Elvis, Hoffa, and my car keys.

                                                                                                                         He could witness events of many different worlds.

<<BECKY: He of all people probably missed who was on the grassy knoll.

                                                                     For a while he was content to stay

<<UNI: I’m just going to have a lye down in this here field of POPPIES…POPPIES…poppies…poppies…

but became alarmed at the time travel antics of an evil robot.

<<UNI (As Arnie): I’ll be back, and back, and back…

                                                                              Moves that threatened his very own existence. Negaman tried to put things right but instead wound up being shuffled from one alternate universe to another.

<<OP: Hoping his next leap will be his leap home.

                                                       He will use any means necessary to get back home.

<<UNI: How about getting yourself delivered by Dominoes?

Amy Anderson/Sailor Mercury/Sailor Hurricane: Shy, conservative, brainy, and very alone.

<<BECKY: I AM detecting an advance case of Senshi Worship.

            She changed schools in the middle of the year. That’s rough for any young girl.

<<UNI: Nobody warned her that the school gym shorts were made out of sand paper.

<<        Op gets this thoughtful expression on his face.

<<BECKY: Well?

<<OP: I’m going to let that one pass.

She is teased because of her intellect. Her only real friend is Serena.

<<UNI: A big stuffed bunny rabbit she holds tea parties for.

                                                                                                              The only time they are really ever seen together is when Serena needs help with a test.

<<BECKY: Even then it don’t help.

                                                 Amy’s hidden power is that of Sailor Mercury.

<<UNI: Only because apparently most of Tokyo is too stupid to see through a tiara.

                                                           She was prevented from realizing this when Negaman distracted Luna from a pivotal battle.

<<OP (As Negaman): Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Want some milk?

<<UNI (Negaman): Don’t be afraid. I’m not hiding any really big hammers behind my back.

                                                                             Negaman took Amy to his lab

<<UNI: Where he had this table with hand cuffs at each…

<<OP: AHEM!

                                                                               and subdued her powers until needed by him as a Cyber Sailor.

<<BECKY: Or open a jar of pickles.

Sailor Dragoon: Unknown. Used By Negaman as back up in times of emergencies.

<<BECKY: Damn. All ready used the pickle jar joke.

Uses electrical and fire attacks. Well versed in hand to hand tactics.

<<OP: Knit one, pearl two.

Negacons:

<<ALL: Transformers! More than meets the eye.

                  Group of Repliroid Robots made by Negaman to study the Sailor Scouts. Bad idea really.

<<OP: Real bad.

<<BECKY: Very bad.

<<UNI: You know I’m bad. I’m bad I’m really, really bad.

                    They take an offer from the Negaverse and turn on their creator.

<<OP (As Godfather): I’ll make them an offer they can’t diffuse.

Mina Aino/Sailor V/Sailor Venus: The first Sailor Scout.

<<OP: Much to our dismay, not the only one.

                                                                                  Discovered early by the Moon Cat Artemis.

<<OP: Slinging wings at Hooters.

<<UNI: Damn Moon Cats.

                    She decided to use an alternate identity and came up with Sailor V.

<<BECKY (As Spock): Nobody will recognize me in this outfit.

<<OP: Ah, Mr. Spock, good to see you.

<<BECKY: DOH! Forgot the glasses.

               Her main mission was to gather information about the various threats to Earth.

<<UNI: Klingons! Romulans! And Bill Gates! Oh my!

Along the way she noticed that Sailor V became very popular in pop culture.

<<OP: After years of Godzilla, Mario, and Pokemon, the Japanese were ecstatic over a dose of reality.

                                                                                                                             So Mina licensed her likeness to games, dolls, and movies.

<<UNI (As Mina): This is going to make me rich!

                                                                                Much to Artemis’s dismay.

<<BECKY: He was all ways being left out of the gift sets.

This worked like a charm.

<<OP (Irish accent): They’re all ways after me Lucky Charms.

                                           Every Sailor V sighting was chalked up to a publicity stunt.

<<UNI: Damn Hollywood studios tying up traffic with filming.

This kept Mina’s real identity a secret.

<<BECKY (Innocent Bystander): Hey, Bob, ever notice that when Sailor V is here Mina is nowhere to be found?

<<UNI (Innocent Bystander 2): And that when Sailor Venus is around Sailor V disappears?

<<OP (Innocent Bystander Silent Bob): [Shrugs.]

                                                                She heard rumors of other Sailor Scouts;

<<UNI: By looking up www.altsex.com/sailormoon.

<<        Op holds up an empty can of soda getting ready to throw it at Uni.

Sailor V went to investigate, she found not Sailor Moon, but Negaman.

<<ALL: DUM DEE DUM DUM DUUUUMM!!

<<UNI: By the way, that should have been spelled with a B at the end.

            As I write this story, please bear with me. I don’t know all the names. I haven’t decided on some. I am also not fully familiar with the Sailor Moon Universe. So here goes.

<<ALL: OH LORD!

<<        Uni and Becky start humming Sayonara at the End of the Dance. Op has that ‘where have I heard that before’ look on his face.

            The story starts outside a nondescript

<<UNI: Fanfic.

<<OP: Is it too much to hope that the rest of the story will be ‘nondescript.’

<<BECKY: I have a feeling the word will be ‘non-scripted.’

                                                                           building in the business part of town. Outside stands a young girl with her blonde hair done up in double ponytails. A black cat at her feet speaks.

<<OP (As Top Cat): That is one crazy hair do.

<<UNI: More like a hair don’t.

<<BECKY: You’re one to talk ‘Mr. Deelybobs on my head.’

<<UNI: (muttering under breath): ...otaku...

“You have to see what is going on in there!”

<<UNI (As Serena): A TALKING CAT! STEP ON THE BUG!

STEP ON THE BUG!

“I can’t go in there like this.”

<<BECKY (As Serena): I have to freshen my mascara.

“Use the Luna Pen then!”

<<UNI: An UZI would be much more effective for what is coming.

“Disguise Power! Make me a

<<BECKY: A SPINE!

<<OP: A LUMBERJACK!

<<UNI: He’s getting the hang of it.

                                                  teacher.” The pen’s magic power change Serena’s image and she ran inside. When she got to the top of the first set of stairs she flung open the closed doors. One of them didn’t open all the way. No matter, she went through the other. A second later a man slid down to the bottom step on his back. He slowly brought his hand up to his nose and used his thumb to put his nose back into place.

<<        Op crushes soda can. Becky cringes.

<<UNI: He’s getting good.

<<BECKY: Nice, foley in text.

            Serena once again flung open a door. This time it was to the computer lab. The sight that greeted her was unusual indeed: all but one student looked like they were on some kind of drug.

<<BECKY (As Serena): Is the room with the Negaverse Monsters?

<<UNI: Two doors down. This is the Army Drug Testing Facility.

                                The one who wasn’t stood up. She wore the uniform of Serena’s school. She wore her bluish-black hair short.

<<OP: She’s what, fifteen, and already dies her hair blue?

<<BECKY: It’s an Anime thing.

<<UNI: Trust me, it only works in Anime.

                                                                      Her deep blue eyes shone with intelligence.

<<BECKY: ‘Deep blue?’ Her dad must have been IBM. That explains a lot

“The jig is up and so are you, AMY!”

<<        Op and Becky get up and start to do the River Dance.

<<UNI (As Serena): That jig is definitely up.

“Have we met before?”

<<BECKY (As Serena): Like, duh! Earlier in the epis...er...NO, NO I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!

“Will you just transform!” Luna the Moon Cat nagged.

<<UNI: That cat again! STEP ON IT SOME MORE! STEP ON IT SOME MORE!

“MOON PRISM POWER, MAKE UP”

<<        Becky hits Op with a powder puff.

“Sailor Moon! What are you doing here?” Amy asked.

<< UNI: SOLEI MOON FRYE!

                                                                                        A hand grabbed Amy from behind and covering her mouth.

<<UNI: Thereby sparing everybody else from having to hear her dubbed voice.

<<OP: But this is text, we can’t hear her voice anyway.

<<BECKY and UNI: AND THANK GOODNESS!

                                                 It was the prep school’s teacher who then transformed into a Negaverse monster.

<<        All do that Transformers sound effect.

“I can’t ever leave you alone, can I, Amy?”

<<UNI: Always making those long distance calls to South America.

                                                                      The monster held out its hand, pencils and razor sharp pieces of paper flew towards Sailor Moon. She ran away but in the wrong direction and wound up in a corner.

<<BECKY: Okay, everybody raise their hands who are surprised at that.

<<        Op raises his hand. Becky just rolls her eyes.

<<UNI: Why do I get this feeling that was meant in some small way to slight me?

                                                         She ducked in time as some pencils shot into the wall. Then Sailor Moon did as she always does in this situation: she started crying.

<<BECKY: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero.

<<OP and UNI (Dully): Yea.

“Oh great, she’s got herself trapped in a corner, what a heroine.” Luna thought a she watched the action from the bottom of the class room door.

<<UNI (As Luna): As long as I stay here, * she * can take all the hits.

“I’ll give you two choices:

<<OP: Do you want fries or onion rings with that?

                                            surrender now, or surrender later.” The monster proposed

to Sailor Moon.

“I’ll never surrender to you.” The zombies moved in closer.

<<Becky (Sailor Moon): I surrender, I surrender!

                                                                                                “Luna! Help me!” Sailor Moon started crying again.

<<UNI: She should team up with C-Ko and Mihoshi and just flood the Negaverse into submission.

“As for you, give your energy to the Negaverse.”

<<OP: While you’re at, give me general power of attorney over your allowance.

                                                                                 The monster then proceeded to shove Amy’s head to a computer screen. A white mist emanated from the monitor and surrounded her for a few seconds and then dispersed.

<<UNI: I think I need to use less baking soda when I cut this.

“Why won’t it work?”

<<OP (Monster): Damn I Macs!

                                      The monster asked. She lifted the girl up to her face for a closer look.

<<BECKY (Monster): Whew! Girl! Take a Tic-Tac!

“What is this mark?” A blue mark had appeared on the girl’s fore head.

<<UNI: Triple six! Mark of the Devil!

                                                                                                                  It was shaped liked the female symbol with two tick marks on top.

<<UNI: Oh.

“Bah! I don’t need your puny energy.” Then tossed her to the floor and turned its attention to the cowering Sailor Moon.

<<BECKY: WAIT one minute! Did Joe actually watch this episode?

<<UNI: He probably did, in Korean.

<<OP: So let me get this straight: We have to read a fanfic based on an American Dub the writer watched in Korean?

<<UNI: Don’t think too hard about it, Joe didn’t.

            Unfortunately,

<<OP: Oh I don’t know about that.

                                      Luna was nowhere nearby to witness the action and discover Sailor Mercury. A few seconds earlier, she had become quite distracted.

<<OP (As Matlock): Admit it: you saw the whole thing and didn’t intervene.

<<UNI (As Luna): I figured maybe letting her get knocked around would help her. All she does is read books and her main attack is a bunch of soap bubbles. Jeeze, Rincewind could give this girl a magic wedgie.

<<OP (As Judge Harold T. Stone): Hundred dollar fine and time served.

                                                                                                                   For someone had reached down and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck. Luna started hissing and scratching. She hated being handled like that.

<<UNI (As Bevis, or Butthead): Uh-huh. He said handled.

                                              Then was carried to a set of stairs and tossed down them.

<<UNI: ALL RIGHT!

<<BECKY: You can generally tell whom the fanfic author hates by who gets killed early on. Unfortunately Joe doesn’t kill established characters, just his own.

<<UNI: So that means none of the Scouts will get skewered?

<<BECKY: They will get the snot beat out of them no doubt.

                                The throw was such that she couldn’t use her cat instincts to land on her feet.

<<UNI: Or sleep, shred couches, terrorize the mailman, get rolled up a blind, kick the dog off the table, eat lasagna…

<<OP: I think you are confusing your cartoon cats.

<<UNI: Which ones?

<<OP: Luna and that one with the sword with the cat’s eye in the middle.

<<BECKY: Try again, that’s Lion-o.

           Instead, hard on the floor between the shoulder blades. Before she blacked out, a darkening glimpse of the one who did it: tall, dark skinned, long flowing white hair, and eyes as red as blood.

<<BECKY: Red eyes? That can’t mean only one person.

<<UNI: ARGH! SAILOR CHIBI-MOON!

<<BECKY: Close enough.

<<OP: Isn’t that ‘Mini-Moon’?

<<BECKY: I don’t want to hear another word about the spoor.

“She’ll live, unfortunately.

<<UNI: I am in total agreement.

                                            Now to my main goal.”

<<UNI: The spicy hot buffalo wings.

                                                                                  He turned back the way he came. It wasn’t the loud crashes and desks being smashed that told him he was at the right door. It was the high pitch wail.

<<OP (Groucho): How that whale got inside I don’t know.

                                          He simply took a pair of earplugs from the case on his black BDU shirt pocket and stuffed them in his ear. Looking inside the classroom he assessed the situation: a zombie was holding Sailor Moon in a full nelson. Several Razor-Papers hovering inches from her face.

<<BECKY: Nope, nothing unusual here.

“This would certainly solve someone’s problem, but not mine.”

<<OP: It would certainly solve ours.

                                                                                                        He took a canister from a pouch on the load-bearing vest he was wearing. On it marked in English was the word smoke. The top was coloured purple. In the middle the stereotypical grenade fuse.

<<UNI: How about that cowardly green tiger?

<<OP: That’s Cringer.

“I know what you thinking, Purple Smoke? Well, White Smoke is a bit difficult to breathe. Any way, Purple Haze is appropriate for the situation.”

<<OP: Just who is he talking to here?

<<BECKY: The reader, I think.

<<UNI: As if reading this period wasn’t bad enough, now it’s first person.

                                                                                                         He proceeded to remove the safety and then the primary firing pins and threw it in to the room. It rolled right in front of Sailor Moon.

<<OP: Back to third person. WHIPLASH!

<<UNI: Fortunately, He forgot that ‘smoke’ is Japanese for fragmentary. Blew up, killing everybody, the end.

<<OP: It is? That’s good to know.

<<UNI to Becky: Is he making fun of me?
<<BECKY to Uni: No, he’s not.

                                              A second later a stream of purple spewed from the can and surrounded every body in the class.

<<UNI: I would sing ‘Purple Haze’ if Joe hadn’t all ready referenced it.

<<BECKY: That just takes all the fun out of a MySTing.

“Somebody help me! Luna!” Sailor Moon cried.

<<BECKY (Sailor Moon): A TEAM! KNIGHT RIDER! BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!

<<UNI (Sailor Moon sarcastic): I’ll even settle for Sailor Mercury right about now.

“Sailor Moon, raise both your arms straight up and drop down!”

<<UNI: Swivel your hips side to side.

                                                                                                          A new voice shouted from the area of the window. She slipped from the zombie’s grasp then scrambled on all fours through the herd of zombies. When she thought she was clear, she tried to stand up, only to hit her head under a desk. Sailor Moon started crying again.

<<BECKY: Joe actually has her personality down pat.

“Have faith

<<OP: Have ice cream.

<<BECKY: Have pancakes.

<<UNI: Have… Uh… Damn I’m drawing a blank.

<<OP and BECKY: Thank God!

                      Sailor Moon, the monster is straight in front of you. Use your Tiara!”

<<UNI: Use a nine mil.

<<OP: Use a bazooka.

“Hope this works in this soup.” Sailor Moon took the tiara of her head, channeled

<<BECKY: HBO.

her magic energy into it, and threw it like a

<<UNI: Like a girl, what do you expect?

<<        Becky throws a can at him.

                                                                       Frisbee in the direction she was told. In the fog, the monster had no clue what was coming

<<OP: Do the Sailor Moon villains ever have a clue?

                                                                             and was hit by the weapon in the chest. The tiara absorbed all the monsters energy and dissipated it. The monster screamed in pain and then turned into a pile of ash.

<<UNI (Satoshi): ‘Gotta catch ‘em all!’

<<BECKY: This is a designated no smoking area.

<<OP: Who’s Satoshi?

<<UNI: Let’s try this again for Inspector Noclueso over here.

<<        Becky sighs.

<<UNI (Ash Ketchum): ‘Gotta catch ‘em all’

<<BECKY: This is a nun-smoking area. If you are a non-smoking nun, please be sure to sit on the other side of the divider. I’m not doing the same joke within four lines for him.

                                                               The tiara returned to its owner and was put back in it place on Sailor Moon’s forehead.

<<OP: Sailor Moon, in the study, with the tiara.

“Who was that voice?” A window flew open allowing the smoke to clear. For a moment she saw a man wearing a black cape and a top hat before he disappeared. “Tuxedo Mask, what a hero!”

<<OP: What a nerd!

<<UNI: What a dork!

“Are you okay?” Luna asked as she limped in to the destroyed classroom.

<<BECKY (Sailor Moon): I’m fine, I’ve gotten used to being beat up by zombies every day. Thanks Luna for giving me all this.

“Yeah, I’m okay, and so is every body else here now.”

<<OP (Bystander): This was nothing compared to those Anthrax Shots the Army gave us.

<<UNI: Yeah! Let’s go back to that other room.

“Where’s

<<BECKY: Waldo?

                   Amy?” Luna asked.

“She was behind this row of desks.” Sailor Moon leaned over the desks and looked around. Seeing nobody.

<<UNI: Just a little further over please.

<<        Op tosses a can up and down in his hand.

“That chicken must have run away.”

<<BECKY (Luna): You’re one to talk.

“You’re one to talk. UUUUUHH!” Luna collapsed.

<<        Op and Uni look at her.

<<BECKY: Coincidence, really.

“Oh Luna! What’s wrong?”

<<OP: I’m stuck in a fanfic.

“Somebody threw me down some steps, and now my whole right leg is numb.”

<<OP (Luna): Don’t worry, I’m quite used to this after meeting you.

<<BECKY (Luna): My mind is so numbed out from this fanfic, it’s starting to affect my body.

“I’m taking you to a doctor immediately!”

<<BECKY (Sailor Moon): But first, the arcade.

     end pt one

<<OP: readers: zero

            The next morning, at school. Serena was late as usual. Her teacher had a surprise for her.

<<OP: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

<<        Uni and Becky look at him like he’s an idiot.

<<UNI: He was showing so much promise earlier.

<<BECKY: Baka.

“Late again? I have some bad news for you.

<<UNI: Your parents were killed in a car accident, you ‘re being sent to one of Newt Gingrich’s orphanages. The end.

                                                                          We just got a new Principal the other day. One of his first orders was that any late students

<<UNI: Are to be executed. The end.

<<OP: Is it me, or has he gotten dark this early into the story.

                                                                               are to see him immediately.” Miss Haruna informed Serena.

“The Principal’s office?”

<<BECKY: Big door, down the hall and to the right. You’ve been there before.

<<UNI: A LOT!

“That’s his rule, not mine. Now go!”

<<UNI (Miss Haruna): Personally I like to take the law into my own hands.

<<        Makes gun cocking noise.

<<OP: That’s it, from now on, just water for you.

                                                             Serena walked out of the classroom and down the hall to the principal’s office. When she got there, she was surprised at who else was standing just outside.

<<BECKY: NED BAETTY!

“AMY!? What are you doing here?”

<<BECKY (Ned Beatty): She’s no Burt Reynolds, but she’ll do.

<<UNI (Amy): The principal said I’m assured an A if I visit him for a few minutes each day.

<<        Op throws a can at him.

“I was late for school today.” She bowed her head in embarrassment. “I’ve never woke up late before.”

<<BECKY (Amy): I usually wake up at four so I can get in more study time.

“I guess you’re not such a square after all.”

<<OP: Just oblong, with a lop head.

                                                                       Serena quipped. “Don’t worry about it. This is the first time. He probably let you off with a warning.”

<<UNI (Serena): A tongue lashing if you know what I mean.

<<        Becky and Op throw cans at him.

“I really hope so.”

“MS. MIZUNO! GET IN HERE!” A voice boomed from behind the door. Both Serena’s and Amy’s faces drained of colour and their eyes bugged out. After a second, they looked at each other, then around. Shrugged their shoulders in puzzlement.

<<BECKY (Amy): What’s he talking about? This is the American Dub.

                                                                                                             “I’M TALKING TO THE ONE WITH SHORT HAIR!”

<<OP (Voice): No no, Serena, pigtails don’t make your hair short. I’ll make it simple for you: girl with blue hair come inside, girl with blonde hair stay outside.

                                                           Apprehensively, Amy went inside.

<<OP: The ones with the jet?

<<UNI: That’s Swatcats.

As she entered the office, Amy subconsciously took in the layout. The desk faced the door.

<<UNI: Hustler magazines on the bookshelf.

                  Behind it was a high backed chair turned towards the wall so that she couldn’t actually see the principal. All she could see was a tuft of white hair.

“Please have a seat.” There were no chairs. “Sorry for yelling. I do that for the effect.

<<OP (Principal): Remember that Drill Instructor from Full Metal Jacket? I was turned down for that role.

I honestly like this town of Akihabara. Do you like it here?”

<<BECKY: Do what?

“Uhhh…”

<<OP (Homer Simpson): Uhhh...Doughnuts.

“Do you like school?”

<<UNI (Captain Ovuer): Do you like it when a dog grabs onto your leg...

<<        Op and Becky throw cans at him before he could finish that line.

“Yes, very much, sir”

<<BECKY (Amy): Yes I do. It’s all I got. Please don’t take that away from me!

“Fine, you may go then.” Amy turned around to leave. Before she could even lift her hand to open the door. “Remember, next time you are late, I will punish you.

<<BECKY (Amy): Isn’t that Sailor Moon’s line?

<<UNI: See the cat of nine tails hanging on the rack.

                                                                                                                    Just make sure your alarm is set. And, please tell Ms. Tsukino to come in.”

<<OP (Amy): Tsukino? Who’s that? This is the American Dub.

<<BECKY: The DiC’ed up English Dub didn’t give her a last name. So most fanboys use her Japanese name.

<<UNI (Bill Murry): I want a dub that has no DiC.

“So, how did it go?” Serena asked as Amy left the office.

<<UNI (Serena): You look all flustered. Nice glow about you today.

‘I’m really not sure. He wants to see you now.”

<<UNI: In that frilly Sailor Cheerleader outfit.

            Serena loudly gulped.

<<UNI: Hmmmm…

<<OP: DON’T say a word.

                                                She then entered the office. Amy watched the door close.

<<OP: THRILLING: DOOR CLOSES!

 She decided to wait for Serena.

<<BECKY: HEART POUNDING: WAITING!

                                                      She glanced at the door.

<<UNI: The name plate read: ‘Office of the President of the United States: Bill Clinton.’

                                                                           The name struck her as odd: Jesse Zero..

<<UNI: Is that a hint? Could that possibly be a hint?

<<OP and BECKY: NAAAAA!

“Please, Ms Tsukino, have a seat.” Serena had the same problem as Amy. Only she tried to say something about it.

<<BECKY: Amazingly true to character yet again.

“But there aren’t….”

<<UNI: Yes, she all ways did have a big mouth.

“Stand if you like, then. Now, Usagi, you have been late multiple times now.”

<<OP: Joe’s doing it, again.

<<BECKY: Give him time, I think its part of the humor.

<<UNI: Joe? Humor?

<<        Shudders.

She just stared at the back of his chair.

<<OP (Serena): That sure is a pretty grain of leather.

“I have no recourse but to punish you.

<<BECKY (Serena): Quit stealing my lines!

<<UNI (Jesse): See that cat of nine tails on the rack over there?

                                                              I want you to spend an hour every day after school in study hall for the next five days. I believe your math score needs some improvement. You use up my time; I will use a little of your time. Does this sound fair, Usagi?”

<<UNI: How about the one with the saddle and mask?

<<OP: I think that was Battlecat.

Serena looked around side to side.

<<UNI (Serena thinking): Is a bell ringing? Is a bell ringing?

“Fine, starting tomorrow you will report to Miss Haruna’s class at the end of the day.”

<<BECKY (Serena): Not Miss Haruna’s class?

<<UNI (Lloyd Bridges): No, Miss Haruna’s class.

“Uhm…me?”

<<OP (Jesse): No, the girl you’re standing on.

“Yes, you. Your name is Usagi, isn’t it?”

<<UNI (Jesse): Is that YOUsagi or OOsagi? I Can’t really tell with text.

<<BECKY: You’re smacking he fourth wall with that one.

“No, It’s Serena.” Serena could feel a slight change in the atmosphere.

<<OP: Turns out global warming is only affecting this one office.

                                                                                                    Like when you realized that you have been driving down the wrong lane for several minutes.

<<UNI: Happens to me all the time.

<<OP: YOU drive? But, you don’t have any…never mind, I don’t want to know.

<<BECKY: Hold on, he screws up Usagi’s dubbed name but not Miss Sakurada’s?

<<OP: Who? What?

<<UNI (mutters): Closet Moonie.

“My apologies. You still have detention though. You may leave now.” But before Serena could open the door to leave. “Please be sure to tell me how your cat is doing.”

<<UNI (Jesse): David Koresh and the Heaven’s Gate have been looking for a cat with a crescent moon mark on its head as a sacrifice to their master.

“How…?”

<<UNI (Serena): … did those footprints get on your ceiling? Oh yeah.

“I’m a principal, I’m supposed to know such things.”

<<OP: Of course, being the one who threw Luna down the stairs in the first place.

            Serena saw Amy waiting for her as she left the office. “That’s the strangest office visit I’ve ever had.”

<<UNI (Serena): He didn’t leer at me or anything. Did you tire him out?

“Did he say any thing about Akihabara?”

<<UNI: Something about the girls being much cuter and the uniforms much frillier.

“No, we’re no where near Akihabara;

<<BECKY (Serena): The guy is like total nuts-oid. He can’t seem to figure out that Sailor Moon is in Tokyo, Cyber Team is in Akihabara, Spiderman is in Manhattan…

                                                            and he called me by another name too. Gave me detention. Not the first time.”

<<UNI (Serena): And certainly not the last time if you know what I mean.

                                                They started walking down the hall. After a minute Serena spoke again. “By the way, how was your prep class yesterday.”

<<OP: I wonder if Joe has an abridged version.

<<UNI: If so, let’s burn that one too.

 “We studied the computer and learned about different operating systems.

<<UNI: Surfed on over to sweatypalms.com.

                                                                                                                        Then did some Trig exams.”

“Nothing unusual happen?”

<<BECKY: Nobody will be seated during the intense interrogation scenes.

“No, why. Do you ask?”

UNI (AMY): Aside from finding the peanut butter in my shorts, no.

“No reason, no reason at all.

<<OP (Serena): No monster tried to drain your life energy, or a scantly clad girl save everybody?

                                                Do you want to walk home with me tonight?”

<<UNI: I know: Orange, black stripes, tips garbage cans, beats up on a bulldog.

<<OP: Nope, Heathcliff.

“I don’t have time to stop at the arcade.”

<<UNI (Amy): You don’t need to wine and dine me. Let’s just go straight to my house. My Mom doesn’t get home until late.

<<OP to Becky: Ignoring him isn’t working.

<<BECKY: All we have are these cans.

<<OP: Who said we have to throw just the empty ones at him?

“No, I have to go to the vet.

<<UNI (Serena): My Mom is getting me distemper shots for my birthday. What are those?

                                            Luna was hurt last night.”

<<UNI (Serena): She was felling sick so I had her put her head between her legs. Turns out a cat can’t bend over backwards.

“Oh no! What happened?” Amy gasped.

<<UNI: Cats and semi-trucks are sort of a mismatch.

“Some mean person threw her down some steps.” Serena’s eyes started to well up.

<<BECKY: Even in text, her cries make my eardrums bleed.

<<UNI: READING about her cries makes my eyes want to bleed.

“I’ll meet you after school, all right?”

<<UNI (Amy): Like I said, dinner and sob stories are not necessary, we can go to your house.

<<        Op and Becky throw cans at him.

“Thanks you’re a pal.”

<<BECKY (Serena): Thanks you’re a pal, Lori. Err Tammy. Err, Jamie. Uhm, AMI! EIMI? No. Wait that’s it: AMY!

            They then went their separate ways to their classrooms. Serena thinking to herself. I transformed right in front of her. Sure I was disguised, but still. I had better keep an eye on her.

<<BECKY: Yes, and like the rest of Tokyo, she is a complete idiot.

<<UNI: Which one?

<<OP: Tough choice.

Later that day, at the veterinary clinic.

<<UNI (Serena): I want my money back. This Moon Cat you sold me is dead.

<<OP: It’s not dead, it’s just resting. See? It is now holding its tail up.

<<UNI: Only after you moved it.

<<OP: Look! It just turned its head.

<<UNI: Rigor has already set in. I heard the bones break.

<<BECKY: That’s enough, guys.

<<OP: Listen close, it’s purring as I stoke the shiny black fur.

<<UNI: THAT’S YOU MAKING THAT SOUND! Plus the fur is coming off and

sticking to your hand!

<<OP: It’s just shedding, a little.

<<BECKY: Guys.

<<UNI: A LITTLE! THAT THING IS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE A

CHIHUAHUA!

<<        Becky throws cans at the both of then. They are too caught up.

<<UNI: You sold me a former Moon Cat and I want my money back!

<<OP: I am offended at that accusation. Just the other day I sold a white Moon Cat,

            in this same exact condition as this one, to a couple of kids. They seemed

extremely pleased and have not bothered me since.

<<UNI: Oh? Who?

<<OP: Only over heard by chance. One was called Tom, the other Huck.

<<UNI: I see they didn’t take the gray one.

<<OP: Yeah, nobody seems to want that one.

<<        Long pause.

<<OP: Tell you what, if you keep the black one, I’ll throw in the gray, too.

<<UNI: Take that stupid bell off its neck.

<<OP: DEAL!

<<        Again, long pause.

<<BECKY: Are you two finally done?

<<UNI: Yes.

<<OP: Very.

<<BECKY: The Mod-Dead Parrot Sketch, folks. I hope enjoyed it because I didn’t.

“She has a hair line crack in her right shoulder blade.

<<UNI: Crushed skull shattered vertebrae.

                                                                                      I made a cravat for her wear. Now most cats try to struggle out after only a minute. But Luna here is so well behaved I can’t believe she is really an animal.”

<<OP (snotty animal rights wacko): Animals are people too!

            Dr. Edgar, Serena, and Amy where standing around a table in the main lab. Luna was lying down in the middle.

<<UNI: For today’s class, we shall see exactly how many pins we can stick into the head of a cat.

<<OP: I take it you don’t like cats too much?

<<UNI: Just ones named Luna, Artemis, and Diana.

“Will I be able to take her home today, Doctor?” Serena asked.

<<BECKY (Serena): A day without Luna nagging me about my homework is a day without the Earth being under my feet.

<<UNI: The Earth ain’t ever under her feet.

“I don’t see why not.

<<OP: You can probably take better care of her than me, someone who is trained to doctor animals.

                                       There are some things you will need to do for her.

<<UNI: One: don’t use her as a basketball on your bed. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Try to keep her confined to one room if possible.

<<UNI: Mouse hole, ceiling fan, an aquarium…

                                                                                                            Make sure where ever she sleeps, it has a pillow or something to keep her conformable.

<<UNI: A drill press works nicely.

                                                                           Don’t touch her right side, it is very sensitive.”

<<UNI: If that isn’t an invitation then I don’t know what is.

“Thank you very much doctor.”

<<UNI (Serena): Any thing else I SHOULD NOT do to her?

“I had better warn you, she is very doped up on the pain killers I gave her.

<<BECKY: What did you give her?

<<UNI: Crystal meth.

                                                                                                                         When they wear off, watch out.

<<UNI: Be sure to have a rather large sledgehammer at the ready.

                                  I have to ask, where did that crescent mark come from? It doesn’t look like a birthmark.”

<<OP: White, gold crescent moon.

<<UNI: Artemis. We just went over that.

“Oh I don’t know. She had it when I found her.’

<<UNI: Branding iron.

end pt two

<<OP: Readers: still zip.

From this point, events unfolded pretty much the same:

<<OP: From the center, left to right, page by page.

                                                                                                      with only a few minor modifications: Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter came along in the same fashion as in the original time line, Jedite was punished for his failures, Zoicite killed Nephrite.

<<BECKY: Good job Joe, you summed up about two months worth of episodes in one run on sentence.

<<UNI: And, conclusively proved that Sailor Mercury is the most useless Scout.

<<OP: Plus absolutely no mention of the slight modifications.

            Several days before Sailor Venus was to make her appearance, Queen Beryl receives an unusual visitor in her royal court.

<<OP: Avon calling.

<<BECKY: I think Joe has now fallen for another fanboy convention: if you can’t keep your fanfic in the normal timeline, just make a new one.

<<UNI: Oh, and what was your first clue?

<<BECKY: Stuff it hentai alien thing.

“I want you to capture Tuxedo Mask, Zoicite. He has interfered too much.”

<<OP: And, I require shrubbery.

<<UNI: The Korean Dub rears its ugly head again.

<<OP: What do you have against Korea?

<<UNI: Nothing. It’s just that Joe understands Korean just as well as he can speak English.

“Yes my Queen, Kunzite and I have the perfect plan. I will impersonate Sailor Moon. Tuxedo Mask is sure to show up.”

<<UNI (Beryl): Kunzite? Who’s that? This is the American Dub.

<<OP: I hereby officially declare that over used.

<<BECKY: This time I think Joe just screwed up.

“Sounds amazingly like a plan of a certain General who came before you.”

<<OP: General Patton or General Admission?

“Unlike certain other failures,

<<UNI: Al Gore, Bob Dole, Mike Dukakis, Mondale…

                                                 I will have Kunzite back me up.”

“That’s really is a good plan. I could make certain it works.” A voice said from the back of chamber.

<<UNI: Orange, black stripes, skinny, bugged eyes, hanging tongue, needs a bath.

<<OP: Uh… Bill the Cat.

“Who are you?”

<<UNI: The Candyman.

<<BECKY: Freddy Kruger.

<<OP: Randy Brazill.

<<UNI and BECKY: AI-IIIIIII!!

<<        English Dub version:

<<UNI and BECKY: YIEEEEE!!

                             Queen Beryl asked in a demanding tone.

<<UNI: Queens and their demanding tones.

                                                                                               She thought it was one of her servants who had spoken up. Kunzite and Zoicite turned to also look. To their amazement, it wasn’t one of the monsters that occupied the base. It looked somewhat like something from a comic book.

<<OP: Howard the Duck?

                                                  He was over six-foot tall, wore dark white armor with black and red details. He had on a helmet that completely covered of his facial features, except for the area around the eyes: dark skin with deep red eyes.

<<UNI: Definitely Howard the Duck.

<<BECKY: Yes, could only be Howard the Duck.

“You may call me, Nega Man.”

<<UNI: Oh lords please, not another Mega Man fanfic.

<<OP: What was your first clue?

<<UNI: Stuff it, straight man.

“I like it. Now how did you get in here?”

<<BECKY (Beryl): I also like anchovies.

“Through the door.”

<<UNI: Through the plot hole.

                                 Queen Beryl was not amused.

<<BECKY (Beryl thinking): I really need to move that key from under the mat.

<<OP (Beryl thinking): Maybe I should move it under the rock.

<<UNI (Beryl thinking): Or better yet, the phony dog poo.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just end your existence right here?”

<<OP (Negaman): I can chip your Playstation.

“I can help you gather the energy you need: by keeping the Sailor Scouts out of your hair.”

<<UNI: Unfortunately he didn’t say destroy Sailor Scouts.

“Sounds interesting, How would you do that?”

<<BECKY (Negaman): Strike while they do the five minute attack sequence.

“That’s my business. I only ask two things of you: I am in need of the energy you collect myself.

<<UNI (Falsetto Negaman): Second: how do you keep you hair so soft and shiny.

              Second, do not double cross me.”

<<OP: That is what I got my partner Terry Funk for.

<<UNI: Like who is going to get that?

<<BECKY: Probably only Joe.

<<UNI: Suck up.

            Queen Beryl was extremely not amused. Zoicite and Kunzite took up offensive postures.

<<BECKY (Kunzite whispering to Zoicite): You rush in and I’ll guard your back. Way back.

<<UNI: “Offensive Postures,” what’s that? Did they flip him the bird? Hold their cro…

<<OP: You’re pushing it.

“I’m not surprised. I knew I would have to prove myself.”

<<UNI: Best two out of three rounds of coed naked Twister with Zoicite.

<<BECKY: Uhm, Uni, now you know that this is based on the American Dub?

<<UNI: Yeah, so?

<<BECKY: Well, you apparently forgot that in the original Japanese version, Zoicite was a man.

<<UNI: EEWWWWWW!!!

<<        Passes out.

<<OP: Dang! That worked better than throwing cans at him. You did make that up, didn’t you?

<<        Becky just smiles.

                                                                                                    He turned towards the two Generals behind him. Looked back and forth at them. From the floor, a geyser of water shot up surrounding Zoicite and Kunzite. It froze into a solid chunk of ice and then exploded showering the room in ice crystals. As the cloud of ice settled, the two were lying face down on the floor.

<<OP: A mop works better than your face.

“What incredible power.” Kunzite gasped.

<<UNI: What a crack hit.

<<OP: Damn, he didn’t stay down for long.

                                                              “How could we have not felt his presence earlier?”

<<BECKY (Deanna Troy): I feel a strange presence.

<<UNI: (Picard): Number One, kindly remove your hands from the Counselor’s…

<<        Op starts to throw a can at him.

<<UNI: …shoulder. What were you thinking?

“I must tell you the truth.

<<OP (Dark Helmet): He did it.

                                         That wasn’t me just then.”

<<BECKY (Leslie Nielsen): It was the one armed, one eyed, one-legged man!

                                          A figure dropped from the air beside Nega Man.

<<OP: What was it standing on?

It was just over a foot shorter then Nega Man. She looked similar to a Sailor Scout except that she wore blue shorts instead of a skirt. Black midriff. No bows, a tiara with a blue crystal in the center. Dark blue goggles covering the eyes so you can’t see them. And a helmet like Nega Man’s, except it had no mouth cover.

<<UNI: And no mouth either, gross!

“Meet,

<<BECKY: Fuzzy Lumpkin.

              Sailor Hurricane. She is what I call a Cyber Sailor Scout. She is about equal to my power.”

<<OP (Negaman): Why I would build something equal to my power thus making it more difficult to defeat if I lose control? I don’t know.

“You have proven yourself to me, Nega Man,

<<OP: This is fine shrubbery. Now I require mini-picket fencing.

                                                                           how do you intend to help me?”

<<BECKY: Here’s some Tic-Tacs.

“I’ll let you know.”

<<UNI: Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

                                  He turned away and started walking to the back. Sailor Hurricane fell into step beside him. As they started walking down the steps out side the throne room, when they were out of sight of every body else, Hurricane put her hand on Nega Man’s upper arm and looked up at him. They stopped walking. He turned to look at her. He could see the hurt in her eyes.

<<OP: Even through the dark goggles?

“You will have no memory once you transform back to normal.

<<BECKY: Of course.

                                                                                                         I do have need of you until I have enough power. Till then, you are mine.

<<        Uni snickers.

                                                                                   But, you will be allowed to follow your destiny once I leave.” He held up his other arm and pushed a button. They then transported out.

<<UNI: Spits a lot, confuses baby kangaroos with mice?

<<OP: Sylvester.

End pt three

<<OP: Readers: nada.

            Artemis the Cat was doing what he usually does during the day,

<<BECKY: Like all cats, sleep.

                                                                                                        channel surfing.

<<UNI: Skinimax, Exxxtasy, Animal Planet.

<<OP and BECKY: Huh?

                             He kept bouncing back and forth from one news show to another. A bank robbery, muggings, freeway shootings, car jackings,

<<OP: Enough about Boise.

                                                                                              politicians counting chads.

<<UNI: Chad Olson, Chad Bumstead, Chad Hart.

<<BECKY: Yuichiro.

<<OP: I don’t get.

<<UNI: She’s just engaging in a little obscure dub riffing.

He was looking for a clue, a hint, an allusion, inkling. He would even settle for one of those chads right about now. He spent yesterday surfing the web. Not a single usable shred.

<<BECKY: I usually don’t find what I’m looking for until I get to page twenty of the search engine.

“This gets more and more frustrating every day.” Artemis muttered under his breath. “I keep hearing all these rumors, but no solid leads to go on.” He was about to change the channel when the announcer introed a story about another bank robbery, but Artemis was slow with the remote.

<<UNI: When it comes to things other than food, cats are pretty damn slow.

“This morning, the members of the Glyde Gang were stopped from making an escape from their latest crime by this courageous young woman.” Artemis’s jaw dropped and his eyes completely bugged out. Beside the field reporter was standing a girl of about fourteen. She wore her long blonde hair in double ponytails with a bun at the top of each. On each one was a red jewel. On her forehead was a golden tiara with a red crystal in the center. Her uniform was reminiscent of a schoolgirl’s suit. Except with a short ruffled skirt and knee high red boots.

<<OP: This far into the story and he finally describes what Sailor Moon looks like.

<<BECKY: Though she is a fake Sailor Moon.

<<OP: Thanks for spoiling it for everybody else.

<<UNI: For you maybe.

“Whet the hell does she think she’s doing?”

<<UNI: The Lambada?

later

<<OP: Purple, lives in an alley, Tiny Toons…

<<UNI: Furball.

            Luna was having a conniption fit. If one could describe a conniption fit it might be like this: drink several packs of “Jolt Cola”,

<<        Op looks at the dwindling supply of soda.

                                                                            a couple of lattes and espressos. Throw in a “Vivirin” pill.

<<OP: The breakfast of champions.

                              Then drive through downtown Seattle. For extra effect, add at least one super spicy double bean burrito. The only thing worse than having a conniption fit, is being on the receiving end of one. Poor Serena.

<<ALL: YES!

“DOES THE PHRASE ‘SECRET IDENTITY’ MEAN ANY THING TO YOU!”

<<BECKY (Luna): Oh right. I forgot whom I’m talking to here.

Notice that is not a question mark. It is an exclamation. I think it adds a little oomph. Okay, maybe superfluous because I’m already using ‘caps lock”.

<<UNI: The greatest invention since sliced bologna.

<<OP: Is this that first person delusion of grandeur stuff again?

                                                                                              “It’s one thing to save a person’s life. Good job. But being a super hero entails certain personal responsibilities. Don’t think a tiara will hide your identity forever. Keep your face off TV. in the future.”

<<BECKY: It did for 200 episodes. Why should fanfiction be any different?

            Serena looked very confused. She was used to Luna nagging her about this and that, but this was way over board.

<<UNI (Pirate): Cat over board! Throw her an anvil.

“I’ll put it in simple terms for you. Don’t get your picture taken as Sailor Moon. IS THAT CLEAR!!”

<<OP: You break enough camera lenses as Serena.

“Are you okay? Do you want some catnip? I can get a ball of twine.” And a horse tranquilizer she thought.

<<UNI (Serena): Where’s that sledgehammer.

“I give up!” She laid down and put her paws over her head. Serena shrugged and turned on the TV. It was a cartoon show. Not one Serena cared for.

<<BECKY: Serena not liking a cartoon show? That’s out of character.

                                                                                                It was about some cats that worked in a pizza parlor and fought crime. Luna wouldn’t admit it, but Serena suspected she never missed an episode. The screen went black for an instant. Then a newsman appeared. He was at one of the wharves by the bay.

<<OP (Deep bass voice): Klingons do not watch *Anime*.

“Earlier today, we brought you the news of a new super hero. Now it seems she has met her match.”

<<UNI:  Zippoman.

                    The camera panned up to a shot of a crane. Suspended at the end high above the ground was a woman.

<<UNI: Lives in a junk yard, tall cat girlfriend.

<<OP: That sounds like Riff Raff.

“Wicked cool! She looks like me.”

<<OP: ‘Wicked cool’. Who came up with that?

<<UNI: Probably the same crew who made ‘keen gear’ and ‘jenkies’.

<<BECKY: Damn it, could Joe at least review a fan-site summery before writing a scene?

<<OP: Jeeze, Rebecca, chill. It’s not as if this is going hurt anybody.

<<UNI: Its going to hurt Joe if this otaku gets loose.

<<OP: Otaku?

<<UNI: I’ll throw you a bone: Oh This Anime is Killing Us.

            Else where.

<<        Becky humming theme to St. Elsewhere to calm down.

“As if getting her face plastered all over the TV. wasn’t bad enough.”

<<OP: Plaster huh? Is Tim Allen going to put in an appearance, too?

“What was that, Artemis?” Mina asked as she entered her room. “Hey! She looks like me in my Sailor Venus Outfit.”

<<BECKY: Copyright infringement! Call my lawyer! SUE THE...

<<OP: AHEM! It’s only words on a paper. It’s not like they’re going to remake the whole series because someone misinterpreted ...uhm...never mind.

“I think her name is Sailor Moon. The one we have been looking for. And, she needs our help!” Artemis recovering the fumble.

<<UNI (John Madden): Artemis fumbles at the one-yard line. Joe Montana picks it up and runs it 100 yards for a TOUCH DOWN. ARTEMIS LOOSES THE SUPER BOWL FOR THE SENSHI. HE’S SUCH A POSER! A REAL LOSER! A…

<<        Op taps Uni on the shoulder.

<<OP: By that riff it can be implied that Artemis had to WIN some games to get to the Super Bowl.

<<UNI (Ricky B. Sharpe): SON OF A…

He never did tell Mina about the other Sailor Scouts. It’s something Cute Animal Sidekicks did for some ungodly reason.

<<BECKY: I wouldn’t classify Artemis as “cute”.

<<UNI: How about “Devil Spawn”?

One hour later, Sailor Moon and the Scouts arrived at the wharves at the south end; Sailor V was still a couple of blocks north and running at top speed.

<<OP: Coming around Turn Four it’s Sailor Moon in the lead with Dale Earnhardt at a close second.

<<UNI: And Serena just went sideways and into the wall!

<<BECKY: The crowd cheers and does the wave!

<<        Op and Uni make crowed noises.

“I keep telling you to ditch the Sailor V gig. All it does is slow you down changing into it.”

<<UNI (Artemis): You never let me watch.

“Not my fault I can’t automatically change to this like the Sailor Venus one.” They’ve had this argument many times. Artemis was firmly against Sailor V because it interfered in Mina’s school and Sailor Scout duties. She countered with the fact that it kept her identity better hidden.

<<OP: The mask works better than the tiara?

<<        Smoke is visibly coming out of Becky’s ears.

<<UNI: Watch out, Mt. St. Bell is about to blow again.

<<OP: Tomorrow, I promise I’ll talk to Joe about it. I’m sure he’ll fix it.

<<Becky: What, and have to read this again?

<<OP: Never mind.

                                     “This is the last time on a mission I will wear this thing.”

“Really?”

<<UNI: Can you guys help me out with this crossword? Four letter word for a fanfic. First letter is a C, last letter is a P.

“Until the auditions for the Sailor V Movie.” Artemis’s expression was a classic Anime look of disappointment.

<<UNI: Boy, that Mina sure is just like Serena. They both got heads like a… like a… Hey, what is the metal tube thing that leaks water?

<<OP: A sprinkler?

<<UNI: Good enough.

                                      They finally arrived at the first warehouse in the Dock District. Sailor V stopped to rest a minute. Artemis ran on ahead to take in the situation. Cats, even lunar ones seemed to have endless energy, when they are not sleeping.

<<OP: What do you think Ravy is doing right now?

<<UNI: Eating?

<<BECKY: Sleeping?

<<UNI: Plotting to see who else he can get to read Joe’s stupid fanfics so he doesn’t have to?

                                                                                                      After she caught her breath,

<<OP: Chasing your breath all over town can be quite tiresome.

              she quickly went through an open door.

<<BECKY: Which is certainly easier than going through the closed and

locked ones.

               The thought was to cut through this building

<<UNI (David Copperfield): My assistant will lie down in the building as I saw through it. She will come out unharmed.

                                                                                        to get to the site of the captured Sailor Moon without being seen;

<<BECKY: Let’s see: Bright Red Mask?

<<UNI: Check.

<<BECKY: Bright Red Bows?

<<UNI: Check.

<<BECKY: Red and white halter-top?

<<UNI: Check.

<<BECKY: Blue mini skirt?

<<UNI: Check.

<<BECKY: Down to the knees blonde hair?

<<UNI: Check.

<<OP: The perfect camouflage for any situation.

                                                                 and to assist in time. In this universe, it didn’t work.

<<OP: AH HAH! We finally get to the heart of the plot.

<<UNI: Now to the spleen.

<<BECKY: It just wouldn’t be one of Joe’s fanfics without the alternate universe theme.

            At first, Sailor V saw nothing but darkness.

<<BECKY (Sailor V): OW, didn’t see that board lying there. OOF! Where did that concrete pillar come from? YOW! NEW PAIN! Who left this crate here?

                                                                                  When she reached the halfway point some clouds covering the moon parted and light filtered through a dirty window. Two shadows appeared twenty feet in front of her. A moon light glint played across the visors covering their eyes. Enough light was present to make out some details: one was about five-foot tall, the other was a little shorter. Both wore uniforms similar to Sailor Venus. Both had on helmets that covered most of their heads.

<<UNI: Their faces too, thank goodness.

“Welcome, Mina Aino.”

<<UNI (Dr. Evil): Welcome to my abandoned warehouse lair.

<<OP (singing): Ain’t no mountain high enough/ Ain’t no river wide enough…

<<BECKY: Op, it’s pronounced I-no.

<<OP and UNI: I-no mountain high enough…

                                      Sailor V gasped in surprise. “I know why you are here.

<<UNI: Do you know why I’m here?

<<OP: Do you know what I know?

<<BECKY: I know that you know that I know that you’re Aino.

You are trying to find the Sailor Scouts. Instead, I want you to meet my Cyber Sailor Scouts: Sailor Hurricane, and Sailor Dragoon.’

<<OP: Sailor Cindy!

<<BECKY: Sailor Jan!

<<UNI: Sailor Marsha!

            Sailor V had homed in on the voice. It came from the catwalk by the window.

<<OP: This warehouse has only ONE window?

“VENUS CRESENT BEAM SMASH!!”

<<BECKY: FIVE-MINUTE POWER UP ATTACK SEQUENCE!

<<OP: I GIVE YOU SUCH A PINCH!

<<UNI: VENUS NECTOR OF PRUNE JUICE SQUIRT!

<<        Op throws a can at him. Becky didn’t get it.

            Just as the magical energy left her fingertips,

<<BECKY: She went “Ow ow ow! I wish Artemis would get me some asbestos gloves like Sailor Mars.”

                                                                                     Dragoon swiped Sailor V’s feet from under her.

<<UNI (Sailor V): Hey, give them back!

                            V rolled backwards and came back to her feet. She looked where the attacker was and found nothing.

<<OP: Of course not, it’s supposed a dark warehouse.

                                                    Another arm grabbed from behind around her neck in a chock hold. V

<<UNI: V? Is she one of those alien lizard things?

                         reached up and grabbed for something and found the rear brim of a helmet. She jerked her arms forward and repositioned her weight so as to flip her opponent. It worked, and the helmet came off and stayed in V’s hands.

<<UNI: And her head too, yuck!

                                                                                                                     The attacker landed on her feet as well and turned around. At first, she had a determined look, but then softened as to realize some thing was not right.

<<BECKY: (Sailor Hurricane): This white halter top just doesn’t go with black body suit and blue bike pants. What was Joe thinking?

<<UNI: I have an idea.

<<OP: Keep it between you and Joe.

“What am I doing here? Sailor V?” Just then the helmet hit her square on the forehead knocking her out.

<<UNI: GOOOOOOOAAAALLL!!!

                            She fell down onto her back. Sailor V walked up to prone figure to get a closer look. She still had on the remains of the dark visor and tiara. She had short black hair. Blood had started to trickle out from under the tiara. Then V was hit by a pair of boots from a kick to the back of head. This dazed her quite a bit, but she still had a lot of fight left in her.

<<OP: I keep getting this weird feeling that Stone Cold Steve Austin will show up any minute now.

<<UNI (Jim Ross): Currently in the Royal Rumble we have The Undertaker, Stone Cold, The Rock, and Raven. The two minutes is up and coming to the ring

IT’S MINAKO AINO!

“We are running out of time, Sailor Dragoon.” Dragoon then jumped on Sailor V’s back

<<OP: Not one word, Uni or I tie your antennae together.

and placed one arm under her chin and the other across her forehead. This had the effect of choking off V’s supply of air.

<<BECKY: This fanfic is choking off my air supply.

<<UNI: So far we have had Cyberteam, Mega Man, Pizza Cats, WWF, Final Fantasy, U.S. Army issued equipment, so what’s left?

<<OP: How about that Samurai X guy?

<<UNI: But he doesn’t kill any body.

<<BECKY: He has nothing against maiming.

<<OP and UNI: It’s a start.

                                                      As she started to black out, Sailor V grabbed Sailor Dragoon’s legs and stood up. She then ran backwards. She chose the right direction and Dragoon’s back struck a steel support pillar. This had the effect of making her let go. V stumbled forward and spun around. Dragoon was shaking off the stun.

<<UNI: Set phasers to maho.

“VENUS CRES…” A hand grabbed her right hand and another grabbed around her mouth silencing her.

<<OP: Oh God yes!

“I must say, I was really caught off guard with that first attack.”

<<UNI: She really laid the smack down on me.

                                                                                                       Nega Man let go of her hand. Opened a slot on his other arm’s gauntlet and extracted a half inch square film of silver. He placed it on the center of her forehead. It then dissolved into her skin. He let her go and she just stood there.

<<UNI: Now we have Star Trek.

<<OP: Resistance is futile. You will read this fanfic.

“Now, transform and go to the building next door and help Sailor Moon.”

<<BECKY: Oh no! Not the transformation sequence.

<<UNI: With or without breast lines?

<<OP/BECKY: Did you really need to ask that?

<<UNI: Yes.

“VENUS POWER!” Sailor V held up the Venus Pen and was surrounded by a yellowish orange light. Mina’s Sailor V outfit was replaced with her Sailor Venus uniform.

<<BECKY: Wow, I guess I found the one thing I like about Joe’s style: he shortens up the attack and transformation scenes by about a good ten minutes.

<<UNI: She didn’t say ‘Make up!’

<<        Becky hits Op with the powder puff.

<<OP: Why do you keep hitting ME with that thing?

She then headed to the back of building. Sailor Dragoon walked over to Nega Man. Her head hanging down.

<<UNI: Put your head back on your shoulders.

“Don’t feel bad. I told you to take it easy. I totally underestimated her.

<<UNI (Negaman): Yep, I’m well on my way to becoming a Sailor Moon Villain.

                                                                                                                   She really did get me with that attack. I had expected to go after you two first.”

<<OP (Negaman): The very reason why I keep you around.

                                                                                                    He took her arm and held it up so he could see a readout on the underside.

<<BECKY: Your lifeline indicates you will have the crap beat out of you several times in a fanfic.

                                                                             “You’ll be all right.” Negaman pushed some buttons on his gauntlet and Sailor Dragoon transported away in a flash of light. He walked over to where Sailor Hurricane was laying.

<<OP: Pipe? Rail road tracks? Asphalt?

“I’m afraid you will need some help.

<<UNI: Well duh! All you do is read math books all day, and your main attack is a bunch of soap bubbles.

                                                            Apparently Sailor Moon is not the only one who can throw her head gear with accuracy.”

<<BECKY: Sailor Moon, * accurate *?

<<OP: Say, what does the “V” in “Sailor V” stand for any way?

<<UNI: Victim, void, vomit, vulnerable, virus, ventilated, vegetable, vacuum, vacant, veneri…

<<        Becky throws a can at him.

End pt 4

<<OP (Howard Cosell): The Readers are being left behind at zero. It looks like a real skunking.

The next morning, Amy woke up with a pounding headache.

<<BECKY (Amy): Serena lied to me, booze doesn’t help me study.

<<UNI: Avoid hangovers, stay drunk.

                                                                                                              Made worse by the fact that she some how forgot to set her alarm and was now late for school again. It was quickly going from bad to worse

<<OP: Yes, the bow is now completely submerged and the stern is starting to rise.

                                                        Her homeroom teacher gave her a tongue lashing in front of the class

<<UNI: Is she taking a Se…

<<OP: AHEM!

<<UNI: Successful living class? What were you thinking?

                              and promised detention on top of what the principal would give her. The teacher went at length about how she would be the perfect example of a student if it weren’t for the tardiness.

<<BECKY (Teacher): Especially when compared to such outstanding students such as Serena, Lita, Peppermint Patty, Pig Pen, Calvin, and Old Weird Harold.

                                           She could hear the other students snickering. Normally she ignored it, but her headache amplified it. Then Principal Zero gave her a week’s worth of after school detention. He didn’t invite her in to his office, just yelled it through the door to his office. This made her headache even worse.

<<UNI: Is it me, or does Joe tend to beat up on the characters that he likes?

<<OP: I wonder what he would do with a person he DIDN’T like?

<<BECKY: Maybe this one time I could tolerate seeing Rini.

                                                                                     By the end of the day, Amy couldn’t concentrate. In Miss Haruna’s after school study hall, she was no more than a zombie.

<<UNI: I just had had a great idea for a crossover: Resident Evil Vs Sailor Moon!

<<OP: If you have any more ideas, please be sure to keep them to yourself.

It took Serena a couple of minutes to get her attention.

<<BECKY (Serena): Quick, while she is spaced out I’ll go through her purse.

<<UNI (Serena): Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms...

“I said are you okay?”

<<OP: Hello, hello, echo, echo.

“…Uh, yeah.” Normally she rather enjoyed Serena’s presence, but not today.

<<UNI: Certainly not in the middle of the classroom.

Serena was the only one who talked to her out of the blue, and she could make Amy smile, but not today.

<<UNI: But maybe later.

“You look like something Luna wouldn’t even drag home.

<<UNI (Serena): Has she ever dragged home some of the nastiest things.

                                                                                      Do you want me to get the nurse?”

<<UNI: Let’s see: purple vest and hat, lives in a garbage can.

<<OP: Top Cat.

“No thank…you. It is…just a head ache.”

<<OP: It’s just a fanfic.

                                                                    Serena reached out and felt Amy’s forehead.

<<BECKY (Serena a la Spock): Your mind to my mind. Try that again. Your mind to my mind. Damn why won’t it work?

Felt normal temperature wise. Somewhere, deep down inside, Serena suddenly felt odd for some reason. When she removed her hand, Amy’s eyes had glazed over, and then her head hit the desk.

<<UNI: I feel sorry for that desk, being hit with such a heavy object and all.

<<OP: It was just an innocent bystander and someone comes smacking their head into it.

‘Amy!” Serena lifted her head up and was horrified to see blood running down Amy’s face from her forehead.

<<BECKY (Serena): EW! YUCK! GROSS! BLOOD! Amy you’re disgusting!

<<UNI: Ever get that not so fresh feeling?

<<        Both Op and Becky throw cans at Uni.

                                      Miss Haruna wasn’t in at that time, so Serena reacted quickly.

<<BECKY: Five minutes later.

She took Amy’s arm around her own shoulder and picked her up out of the desk and slowly left the class room and took her friend to the nurse’s office.

<<OP: Doesn’t this paragraph seem a little out of character for her?

<<BECKY: Not really, by about this time in the show she started to get a backbone.

<<UNI: MOONIE!

<<BECKY: WHO? WHERE?

            A half-hour later,

<<BECKY: I gave her a little too much credit.

                                         Serena was sitting beside Amy in the office holding her hand while Principal Zero was talking with the nurse. Amy’s head had been bandaged

<<UNI (Serena): When we take them off your pock marked nose will be fixed.

                      and her mother called.

<<OP: Called what? An uncaring mother never there for her daughter?

<<BECKY: Thanks for the psycho-drama, Mr. Oedipus.

“You did an admirable job, Ms. Tsukino.”

<<UNI: From now on remember your place, Private.

                                                                        Serena looked around at Principal Zero. This was the first time she had actually seen him. He was much taller than she. Dressed in a gray business suit with tie. Skin she could only describe as being deeply tanned. Eyes as blue as the sky.

<<OP: Didn’t he have red eyes earlier?

<<UNI (Cartman): …And Scott Baio gave me Pink Eye.

                           And long, snow; white hair tied off at the base of his head. Serena’s heart skipped a beat.

<<UNI: Serena now has *one* thing in common with Dick Cheney.

“A couple of teachers have remarked about you being a bad influence on Ms. Anderson.

I want you to know that you two are a good influence on each other.

<<BECKY (Jesse): Not counting the fact that in the past several weeks Amy has been consistently late for school, grades have dropped, she now eats a lot of candy, and plays way too many video games.

                                                                                                         You have a good heart.

<<UNI: Any number of surgical instruments can fix that.

I wish more people were like you two.”

<<BECKY (Serena): Really?

<<OP (Jesse): No, *not* really.

                                                                He actually felt good saying that. “Now, could you leave for a few minutes.” Something about the way he said it made Serena get up and leave immediately. The nurse too.

<<UNI: Siamese, chased by FBI.

<<OP: That Darn Cat.

“I can’t believe how much I screwed things up. I need

<<UNI (Jesse): A screwdriver, with a twist of lemon.

                                                                                         to be more thorough post mission.” He reached into his pocket and pulled what looked like pen.

<<OP: His first clue? Written on the side in bold letters: Skillcraft.

                                                                                                          He pushed it against Amy’s lower arm and it made a hissing sound.

<<BECKY: Get well soon. Need you to help me take over the world. Love Jesse.

                                                               “That will take care of that headache.”

<<OP: Guys around the world would kill for such a pen.

<<UNI: But not necessarily for Amy.

                                                                   He put the pen back and pulled out what appeared to be a cell phone.

<<UNI (Jesse): Dominoes? Yes, twenty large anchovy pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda. Send to Anderson residence.

                                              He held it over the bandages on her forehead. It made a low-pitched warbling noise. After a minute he put this up too.

<<UNI: Nope. Nothing here.

                                                                                             “It is going to be while before I need you again. The others will have to make do.” He reached down and picked up her hand and just held it for a few moments.

<<BECKY: Oh how kawaii.

<<UNI: Which is all so close to kawaisou.

<<OP: Will you two knock it off?

End pt 5

<<OP: Readers: lost.

<<UNI: I hereby declare that joke over used.

“My you’re home much earlier than I expected.” Luna remarked when Serena entered her room. She quickly hit the remote turning the TV. off.

<<UNI (Crocodile Hunter): G’Day. Today we will trying to find the elusive Black Moon Cat. Only one is known to exist. I’ve heard it lives in Tokyo and spends its day watching TV.

“It was a pretty weird day.

<<BECKY (Serena): Got to school on time, scored above a 30 on a test, and stayed awake in math class.

                                          Amy fainted and hit her head on the desk causing it to bleed.”

<<OP (Luna): That viscous brat! What did that desk ever do to her?

<<UNI (Luna): A BLEEDING DESK! DEVIL INCARNATE!

“Is she okay?”

<<UNI (Serena): Yeah, she didn’t hit it hard enough.

“Yeah, I took her to the nurse and she bandaged Amy’s head up. Then the Principal came in and told us to leave for a while. When he came out, he took Amy to the hospital himself.” Luna could sense Serena was apprehensive about something.

<<OP: Any particular reason for this?

<<UNI: Setting up the next scene perhaps?

“There’s more isn’t there?”

<<UNI (Serena): Luna, are you ever exited by another woman?

<<BECKY: What is it with people thinking the Sailor Scouts are lesbians? There’s only two and they don’t show up until Sailor Moon S.

<<OP (whispering to Uni): What was that about Closet Moonies?

<<UNI (whispering to Op): In this case, “closet” plays a real big role.

<<        Becky throws cans at the both of them.

“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.” Serena sat down on her bed and leaned back on hands, lost in thought.

<<UNI: Something new for her.

                         After a minute, she pulled out her pocket communicator and called up Raye Hino.

<<BECKY (Miss Dipesto): Hello, Red Hot Talent INC.

“What do you want, Serena?” She sounded very annoyed.

<<BECKY: Amazingly enough for the fact the scenes are screwed up, Joe actually has people’s personalities almost perfect.

<<UNI: I take it that is supposed to be a good thing?

“Meet me at St. Alphonsus in a few minutes, will ya?”

<<        All start humming Suicide is Painless.

“You sick or something better?”

<<UNI: Please! Please! Please!

“I want you to meet a friend of mine.” Luna and Raye both looked shocked. Not like Serena to ignore a jab by Raye.

<<OP: Or a slap.

<<UNI: Or a deep French Kiss.

<<        Becky picks up a full can of soda.

“Uh sure. Be there in ten. Out.”

<<OP (Murry): Give my love to Bobby.

<<UNI (Johnboy): THAT'S BILLY.

                                                    The communicator automatically turned off when Raye hung up. Serena laid back on her bed and just stared at the ceiling.

<<BECKY (Serena): 7, 8, 9, oh what comes next? Oh yeah. Damn, lost my place. 1, 2, 3...

<<UNI (Serena): I wonder how those footprints got up…oh yeah.

“Now’s not the time for a nap. Raye will be very upset if you are late.”

<<UNI: An episode without Raye yelling at Serena would be like…a…

<<OP: Like what?

<<UNI: A big improvement! Yeah, that’s it.

“Zero, Zero.” Serena whispered. “Where have I seen that name before?”

<<UNI: Megaman X, X2, X3, X4, and X5.

<<OP: Before one. And after one, making ten.

<<BECKY (Serena): TEN! That’s it! Damn, lost my place again. 1, 2, 3…

                                                                                                                      She sat up and went over to her table and sat down. She got out a piece of notebook paper and started drawing on it.

<<BECKY (Serena): The bad guys are running rampant and my friend is in the hospital, quick, go get me some crayons!

“SERENA!”

<<OP: RIGGS!

<<UNI: MURTAH!

“Shoot, I better hurry up!” She jumped up and ran out the door. Luna jumped up onto the table and looked at the sketch. It was of a man. Maybe. Serena wasn’t very good. The two distinguishing features were shaded skin and white hair.

<<OP: Seen the picture.

<<UNI: Hated the picture.

<<BECKY: Set fire to it.

“Where have I seen this before?” Luna then ran out after Serena.

<<OP: Page three.

            Raye was surprised to see Serena waiting for her at the entrance to the hospital. She was trying to get Luna into a handbag. Raye decided no comment was necessary.

<<BECKY: That’s never stopped her before.

Luna had clamped her claws on either side of the bag and Serena was pushing on her back.

<<UNI (Cartman): Get in the bag kitty. Get in the bag. GET IN THE BAG!

MOM! Kitty’s being a…

<<OP: Don’t…

<<BECKY (Cartman’s Mom): I know a certain kitty who’s sleeping

with mommy tonight.

<<OP: BECKYYY!

<<UNI (Cartman): Sweet.

“Will you stop that? My shoulder is still sore!”

<<UNI: Push harder!

“LUNA get in the bag! Animals aren’t allowed inside.”

<<UNI: Stuffed, only alive when the kid’s around.

<<OP: Hobbes.

“Then why is a baboon like you want inside?” Raye couldn’t resist.

<<Becky: A welder’s clamp on her mouth couldn’t stop her from saying something.

“The one time I need your help…”

<<ALL: The one time?

“’The one time?’” Both Luna and Raye asked.

<<OP: This just got creepy.

                                                                      “Oh all right. I’ll get in, but unzip it first.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Meatball head.” Raye murmured.

<<BECKY: Dango Atama.

                                                       When Luna finally got inside the bag, Serena picked it up and started walking inside the hospital. Raye followed her and thought: “That’s the fourth one she ignored. Is something wrong with her? Or do I need some better lines?”

<<UNI (Raye): Or maybe subtitles instead of dubbing.

            Serena was halfway to the information booth to ask about Amy’s room when Molly just happened by.

<<BECKY (sarcastically): What a coincidence.

“Hey Moll! What are you doing here?”

<<OP: RICHARD MOLL!

<<        Becky and Uni stare blankly at him.

<<OP: Bull, from Night Court.

<<UNI and BECKY: Oh yeah, I knew that. No problem, Got ya.

“I heard about Amy and decided to check on her. She’s in room 220. She’s seems a lot better. Her head sure is bandaged though.”

<<UNI (Molly): I wonder if her new face will be any better.

<<BECKY: I hear she’s going to look like Richard Moll.

“Thanks Molly. Catch you tomorrow.”

<<OP (Serena): You lucked out. I just used my last Pokeball.

<<UNI (Op a la Serena): I caught Richard Moll.

<<BECKY (Op a la Serena): I can’t believe I actually got Richard Moll to fit into one of these little things.

                                                                  As Molly walked past, Raye got a feeling of dread. She stopped and watched her walk out of the main door. “Hey, Raye! I can’t hold this elevator forever!”

<<OP (Serena sarcastic): You expect a frail little girl like me to hold up this huge elevator?

<<BECKY (Op a la Serena): Not with Richard Moll standing on it.

<<UNI (Op a la Serena): RICHARD MOLL PRISM POWER, MAKE UP!

<<        Becky hits Op with a powder puff.

“Strange.” Raye thought.

<<UNI (Op a la Raye): Richard Moll looks taller on TV.

                                           “I’ve known her for awhile now, and I have never felt any thing like that before.”

<<UNI (Raye): Maybe I need to start using some moisturizer on my ESP.

                                     She snapped back to reality

<<BECKY (Rei): Nice to be back in my reality… oh crap I’m still stuck in the Dubbed Reality.

<<UNI (Rei a la Raye) The DiC Dubbed Reality.

<<OP: The DiC Dubbed Fanfic Reality.

<<UNI and BECKY (Rei/Raye): SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME NOW!

                                                                                    and walked over to the elevator. Serena was walking away. “Where are you going? The elevator is right here.”

<<UNI (Rei): Err…uhm…(Raye): You know: Double doors, arrows pointing up and down, lots of numbers that blink individually.

“The stairs.” Serena said with a sharp edge in her voice.

<<OP: So I take it you guys decided no more Richard Moll jokes?

<<UNI: Yeah.

<<BECKY: Yeah.

<<OP: Promise?

<<BECKY: Yeah.

<<UNI: Yeah.

            While walking up the stairs Raye asked: “Who’s Amy?”

<<BECKY (Raye): Who’s Richard Moll?

<<OP: Hey!

“I thought you met. She’s really smart. We met just before you and I did. We hang out now and then.”

<<UNI (Serena): She’s got a swing right above her bed.

“You and brain together. That’s something I thought I would never hear.”

<<BECKY (Serena): What are we doing tonight, Amy?

<<UNI (The Brain): The same thing we do every night, Serena.

“Well she’s ten time more cooler than you. Any way, I want you to see if you can feel any thing with that psychic stuff of yours.”

<<OP: Well?

<<UNI: I can’t think of a single Richard Moll riff to fit.

“What for? Abnormalities? If she hangs out with you that’s a clear indication something is wrong with her.”

<<BECKY: I’m all tapped out.

<<OP: Promise?

<<BECKY: Yeah.

<<UNI: Yeah.

<<OP (muttering under breath): Roll call every body accounted for.

“Lita, Mina, and you.”

<<BECKY: Chief!

<<UNI: McCloud!

“Okay you win. This time.” She’s back to normal, unfortunately. Raye thought. And I lost a fight with her!

<<UNI (Rei)…not again…(Raye): If only she didn’t have Richard Moll on her side.

<<OP: HEY!

            Raye actually gave up? Luna thought from inside the handbag.

<<        Becky holds a can in her hands waving it back and forth.

<<BECKY: I’m scanning for alien influences.

                                                                                                                I’m not sure if this is a good sign. I am sure I want out of this thing. Serena was about to knock on the door to Amy’s room when it opened and Principal Zero walked out.

<<UNI: Black, carries a yellow bag.

<<OP: Felix.

“Oh Ms. Tsukino, and Ms. Hino, this quite unexpected. Amy is doing just fine. She’s asleep right now so if you want to see her, please be quiet.”

<<UNI: (Jesse): She just had a bracing enema.

                                                                                           He stepped aside and held the door for them. Serena walked right in and glanced at him over her shoulder. Raye stood still. Looking at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“As you wish.”

<<OP (Jesse): Damn Feminazis.

                           He walked away letting the door close behind him. Raye watched him walk down the hall and down the stairs.

Serena opened the door. “Come one Raye. Not this again.”

<<UNI (Serena): Get a toy from the other box.

<<        Op and Becky look very confused.

<<UNI: Little too obscure hentai.

“He’s not from here.”

“I think he grew up in America.”

<<BECKY (Raye): Gaijin!

“It’s more than that.”

<<BECKY (Raye): Ugly American Satanist pig dog!

“Maybe he was born in America. He Sure is dreamy, ain’t he?”

<<OP: ‘Dreamy” huh? Maybe somebody will wake up and this whole thing will just go away.

He’s human, but he has an otherworldly aura. Raye thought. How did he know my name?

<<OP: There’s this guy named Joe who is writing that.

<<BECKY: Let’s try to keep the Fourth Wall intact as much as possible.

                  She then walked inside.

<<UNI (Serena): Raye how do you spell proctological exam?

<<BECKY: I’m afraid there is something fundamentally wrong with that joke.

<<UNI: You didn’t throw a can at me so it couldn’t have been too hentai.

<<BECKY: Serena would never have asked anybody to help her spell.

The room was set up like most hospital rooms: the bed was in the center, the head against the wall, and diagnostic equipment on either side.

<<UNI: Mirrored ceiling.

                                                                                      Only the Heart Monitor was turned on.

<<OP: Why the heart monitor is on when she had a cut on her forehead?

          The shades were drawn and the lights turned down.

<<BECKY: Let’s keep it dark in here. That should cheer her right up.

                                                                                              An I.V. was hooked up to Amy’s left arm. Her forehead was wrapped in gauze.

<<OP (Kirk): Bones, this girl, she’s injured! DO SOME, THING!

<<UNI (Bones): Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a… oh yeah, let me have a look.

Serena set her bag at the foot of the bed and let Luna out. Raye walked over to the left side of the bed.

<<OP: Please note that there are no doctors, nurses or even interns in there

with her.

<<UNI: Nurses aids or candy stripers.

<<BECKY: Or her mother, who is a doctor.

“Feel something, strange.” Luna said.

<<OP (Charleston Heston): Take your damn paws of me you dirty cat.

                                                            “Like the first time I met you two, only different. Twisted.”

<<UNI: New Senshi Flavoured Twizzlers!

<<OP: Why does that sound perverted?

<<BECKY: Because it is.

<<        Becky then throws a can at Uni.

“I sense a darkness.

<<BECKY (Raye as Darth Vader): Wait till you feel the power of the dark side of the Senshi.

                                A conflict within the deepest part of her soul.”

<<UNI: Right around her uvula.

<<        Becky brings a can up to the ready position. Op stops her.

<<OP: I’m sorry, that was in no way perverted.

<<UNI: Yeah, what were you thinking?

                                                                                                            Raye grasped her head as a sudden stabbing pain welled up.

<<OP (Raye): Voices in my head. Telling me to do wicked things.

<<UNI (Raye): Use Mars Power. Fry dippy blonde with ponytails.

<<        Op looks at him surprised.

<<UNI: What? You where expecting another hentai comment? I do get tired of all the cans you guys throw at me.

                                                                      Her knees buckled and gave out. She landed on her butt.

<<UNI: See? I didn’t need to.

<<BECKY: That doesn’t qualify as hentai.

<<UNI: Okay how about this? As she fell her skirt…

<<        Op ties Uni’s antennae together.

                      Serena ran around and knelt beside Raye and put her arms around her in genuine show of comfort. Despite all the name calling and cat fighting, they really did care deeply for each other.

<<BECKY: So deeply you had to use a shovel to find it.

“Raye! Raye! Are you all right?”

<<BECKY (Serena): Please say no.

“Yeah, I guess so. Where did that come from?

<<OP: E-mail. When you have to get that stabbing head pain delivered instantly.

                                                                            Not from her I’m sure. Luna?”

<<BECKY: Rhymes with tuna.

            Luna was knocked out. Amy was holding her in her sleep. In the stair well, Jesse Zero

<<BECKY: Rhymes with gyro.

          was rubbing his head.

<<BECKY (Jesse): Yeah, right there, I can just feel the tension leaving the fanfic. Damn, spoke too soon.

“I really need more practice.

<<OP: Want to bet we won’t see this again like the military gear?

<<BECKY: I agree, most men need more practice.

<<OP: Hey! What’s up with you all the sudden?

<<BECKY: Somebody has take up the slack while he unties his antennae.

<<OP: Do you really need to pick up THAT slack?

End part 6.

OP: Now is as good as time as any for a break.

BECKY: I could certainly use one.

UNI: I want to check out that thunking sound. It’s driving me crazy.

OP: Thunking?

UNI: Yeah. These antenna are not for show, they’re what I hear with. Very sensitive.

OP: That’s why I tied them in a knot.

BECKY: Quiet. I hear it to now.

            Becky gets up and walks to a window. It’s just over her head. Op walks over. The window is level with his head so he can clearly see out. He grabs Becky around her waist and pulls her up so she can see. Uni hopped over and starts jumping up and down. Gets high enough and hooks his nose on the sill. Down below they see Ron the Python and J.D. Groundhog holding a large paper target with several holes in it. Actually, Ron was holding the edge in his mouth. A rose shaped mini-javelin went through a section close to Ron making the thunking sound. A large sweatdrop formed on the side on his head.

J.D.: You hit the square for Ruebis, ten points.

RON: MMMPH!

J.D.: Looks like you broke the line into Nephrite’s box. Are you playing as the good or bad?

VOICE: Does it matter?

J.D.: Yes. According to the rulebook if you’re good, minus ten points. If you’re bad, plus ten.

VOICE: What’s my score so far?

J.D.: Bad: minus ten, Good: Minus ten.

VOICE: Either way I go I’m sunk.

J.D.: Like your chances in 2004.

            A mini-javelin goes through J.D.’s head.

J.D.: Kids, we are cartoon characters, do not try this at home.

OP: Just what the hell are you guys doing?

J.D.: Ravy is playing “Tuxedo Mask Lawn Darts”.

            Pulls javelin out of head.

J.D.: MINUS A MILLION!

            Five javelins stick into the ground. Ron drops the target and slithers over to a broken underground sprinkler and enters the system with J.D. close behind.

UNI: I guess Ravy hasn’t figured out the water yet and broke the sprinklers too. Hope you guys got iron bladders.

BECKY: Do you?

UNI: I’m not sure what the human equivalent to what I have is.

OP: No more any thing liquid for you.

Chapter: CONFIDENCE COURSE

<<OP (English accent): Chapter One I presume?

<<BECKY: You mean all that was just the introduction?

<<UNI: To recap: First the Earth cooled, and then the dinosaurs came. But, they got to big fat, and they all died and turned into oil. Then the Arabs came and bought Mercedes Benzes. Prince Charles started wearing Lady Di’s clothes. He went right into her closet and put on her best summer dress. I couldn’t believe it, right in broad daylight. Oh yeah, Al Gore creates the Internet, which gives many delights like instant mail, limitless information storage, and Sailor Moon Fanfics.

<<OP: No wonder he lost.

            It was early afternoon. School had just let out. The Crown Game Center was starting to fill up. On its roof Kunzite materialized. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Negaman was sitting in a lawn chair under an umbrella.

<<OP (Kunzite): Yep, I’m still in Joe’s fanfic.

                                                                                          His helmet was off sitting on a table next to him. Just as soon as Kunzite started walking to him, he put it on.

<<OP: I wonder if he could have appeared next to him?

<<UNI: Of course not. These are Sailor Moon Villains we are dealing with.

“So this is how you keep your promises? Sitting on your butt drinking milky-tea? You said you would help us capture Tuxedo Mask. He got away and you never showed your face.

<<UNI (Kunzite): Quit stealing our tactics.

         Now we have another Sailor Scout to deal with. Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

<<OP (Rodney Dangerfield): No respect no respect.

            Negaman pulled out a devise that looked like a cell phone. Flipped up the lid and turned it on.

<<BECKY (Brooklyn Accent): Hello, is this Max’s Delicatessen?

                    He also tried to take of sip of tea through the straw. Putting it back down realizing that he couldn’t do that with his helmet on.

<<UNI: Stupe!

                                                                                      The screen displayed the local area.

<<OP: Purple, looks like a ferret.

<<UNI: Attila.

“This is a Tri-corder. I’m using it to keep tabs on today’s little mission.”

<<OP (Sulu): Tricorder reads unstable planet core readings. Aging rapidly.

<<UNI (Sulu): Tricorder reads unstable fanfic readings. Deteriorating rapidly.

“What mission is that?”

<<BECKY: The Impossible Mission: A good DiC Dub.

<<UNI: A crossover self insertion fanfic with a plot and character development.

“The Sailor Scout Confidence Course. I am going to build up Sailor Moon’s level of confidence.”

<<UNI: Do you know wha, Washington State, Edsel, and the Eiffel Tower all have in common?

<<OP: No, what?

<<UNI: They are all named after dead people.

<<OP: I don’t get it.

<<UNI: “Sailor Scout Confidence Course.”

<<BECKY: Oh I get it now. Don’t get your hopes up.

“Are you nuts!?

<<ALL: Ya need to ask?

                           We need to break her down. Totally humiliate her.”

<<BECKY: Typical. For some reason all bad guys like to humiliate the good guys instead of just popping a cap in them ending it sooner.

“That comes later.

<<OP: But first could you turn around so I can drink some more tea?

                                This battle will make her overconfident when she has to fight some real badguys. Right here, these white dots are us.” Negaman pointing at the Tri-corder screen. “In the alley to our right. These three red dots are my Negacon robots.”

<<UNI (Kunzite): Why is it when I connect the dots, it spells out F U.

“Negacon?”

<<UNI: Apartment owners needed more dough. The made a con. CONDO.

“And these four blue dots coming from the left are the Sailor Scouts. Once they get in front of this building, the Negacons will start attacking.”

“What’s that green dot in the building across from us?”

<<OP: All these coloured dots. Is he using a Lite Brite?

“That’s Sailor Dragoon. Back up in case things get out of hand.”

<<UNI: She was like real helpful earlier.

“Sailor Dragoon? How many of these things do you have?”

<<OP: However many Joe thinks up.

“Now Pay attention, the fun is about to start.”

<<OP: Now pay attention, there is going to be a quiz later.

<<UNI: After hitting start, enter UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, AND A.

            When the blue dots where in front of the building, the three red ones rushed out into the street. Little yellow lines flashed from red to blue. The blue dots ran back the other way and turned into the alley to the left.

<<OP: 67. Uh, 54. Mmm, 38…

<<UNI: Sorry, you’re coloured blind, can’t let you be an electrician. We do have lots of openings in Cannon Fodd..er.. Operator available.

“Why did they do that?” Kunzite asked.

<<BECKY: Back alley shoe sale?

“To transform of course.” Kunzite ran to the left edge and peered over. He was too high up to see or hear any thing.

<<UNI: My goodness! He finally got two brain cells connected.

“Damn it! So close! Wait a minute, you know who they are, don’t you?”

<<UNI: He’s up to three.

“No.” Kunzite walked back over to Negaman who was now standing looking over the edge.

<<UNI: He believed it! Spoke too soon.

“If I couldn’t see any thing, how can you?”

<<Becky: With eyes. Connected to my brain.

“You people should really invest in some technology.

<<UNI: (Kunzite): That would be too easy and we would be done by episode five.

                                                                                       This helmet lets me see everything. Here, you can barrow these.” Negaman held up a pair of binoculars.

<<OP: If the helmet is so good, why have the binoculars in the first place.

“No thank you. I prefer a much closer view.” Kunzite snapped his fingers and disappeared. Negaman used the Tri-corder to scan the area. He found him again across the street. He used his visor’s magnification to get a better look. Kunzite was sitting in a chair. He looked up right at Negaman and waved.

<<        Op waves his hand and forms the okay sign.

<<OP (Kunzite): You suck

                                                                                  Negaman walked back to his chair. Sat down. Removed his helmet and took a sip of tea. Then called Sailor Dragoon.

<<UNI: Called her what, useless?

*

“What are they? They don’t look like Negaverse villains.” Sailor Jupiter said.

<<UNI: Don’t any of them look like your former boyfriend?

“They look like they came from a video game. Venus?” Sailor Moon asked.

<<BECKY (Sailor Venus): Super Mario Bros., Final Fantasy, Sonic the Hedgehog; what are you asking me for? You never let me play my own damn game.

“They’re not from any of Sailor V’s games.” Sailor Venus said. “Do you feel any thing, Mars?”

<<BECKY (Mars): Yes, all the time. With my hands.

<<UNI (Venus): No I meant with your ESP thing.

<<OP (Mars): I predict we will be in a bad fanfic.

“Not a thing. I don’t think they are human, or came from the Negaverse.”

<<UNI: They’re from Joe’s World.

<<OP: Do you think we’re over doing it with all the Joe Riffs?

<<BECKY: No.

“That’s right. We are the NEGACONS.

<<ALL: Humming theme to Transformers.

<<OP: I think we can retire the Transformers riffs.

<<UNI: I think it is pretty ironic. I’m sure Joe is unaware who made both series.

<<OP: Sailor Moon and Mega Man?

<<BECKY: Nooooo.

                                                                Repliroids programmed for one purpose: The destruction of the Sailor Scouts. And that means you.” He was doing Sailor Moon’s poses while he was talking.

<<OP: I guess we have found the running gag for this story.

“HEY! GET YOUR OWN POSSES!”

<<BECKY (Sailor Moon): Why is everybody stealing my shtick in this story?

“We’re fully posable. With Kung-Fu Grip!

<<OP: New Mall Hair Barbie with Kung-Fu Grip!

<<UNI: New Monica Barbie with Kung-Fu Lips!

                                                                      Plus a variety of interchangeable weapons. I, Sawman come with Twin Blade.” Sawman crossed his arms on his chest. His lower arms glowed and saw blades shot out towards the Sailor Scouts. Scattering them. ‘Of course there is the standard Chain Blade. He uncrossed his arms and stuck one out straight ahead firing.

<<UNI: I take it this guy is based on Metalman?

<<OP: I do believe you’re right.

<<UNI: As I recall it is impossible to fight that guy without getting hit at least once.

<<OP: I do believe you are right on the money with that.

<<BECKY: May I please interject a comment?

<<UNI/OP: By all means.

<<BECKY: OTAKU NO ROCKMAN!

<<UNI: Got me back good.

<<OP: Whatever.

“Don’t hog all the fun!”

<<UNI: I apologize a head for this, but the only thing I can come up with is:

<<OP and BECKY: Oink?

<<BECKY: Don’t feel sorry, I’m sure that the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys couldn’t come up with anything better.

<<OP: Plus I don’t think you feel sorry about that at all.

<<UNI: You got me there.

“I am sure we can’t interchange our weapons like Megaman.”

<<OP: Joe just couldn’t resist, could he?

“Shut up! He’s not in this story!

<<UNI (singing): Break down the wall, the fourth wall of Jericho.

                                                      Okay you two have at it. Remember what the boss said. I see someone I should talk to over there.” Sawman then walked over to where Kunzite was and sat down.

<<OP: Waiter, check please.

<<UNI: Give it to the girl with the ponytails over there.

“Ready, brother Maficman?”

<<BECKY (English accent): Ready Brother Pencil Head?

“We are robots, can we consider ourselves like family, Graniteman?”

<<UNI (Maficman): I wish we were human so I could get a transfusion.

“You can be such damn realist. I want to test my Grenade Cracker on some Sailor Skull.”

<<UNI: A man after my own heart.

“I, myself, prefer the old fashion way.” He held up a fist. “I challenge one of you Scouts Mano-a-Mano. Any of you man enough?”

<<UNI: I know Lita is quite the tomboy, but come on!

<<OP: Let’s read a few more lines on that one.

“He won’t let me call him brother, and then calls these girls men.”

<<ALL (muted trumpet): Waaa Waaa Waaaaaaaaaa.

“ You there! Sailor Jupiter! You’re look man enough. Come on! Are you a man!?”

<<BECKY: Yep! Believe it or not, Joe not only got the Scouts mostly in character, but his own as well.

<<OP/UNI: OOOOOOOOOOOOO.

“I’m not that boyish!” Jupiter ran over to Maficman and struck him with a chop across the left side of his face. She then cart wheeled striking two more times in the same spot with her feet. When Jupiter got back to her feet, she jumped up, brought her knees to her chest and thrust them straight out into Maficman’s head. Popping it clean off.

<<UNI: Could someone do me a favour here?

<<BECKY: Got you covered.

<<        Becky sticks a finger in her mouth and makes a popping sounds by flicking it back out.

<<UNI: Arigatou.

<<OP: You got what?

“Bro! This is no time to be losing your head!”

<<ALL (muted trumpet): Waaa Waaa Waaaaaaaaaa.

“Gross!”

<<OP (Lita a la Valley Girl): Like gross!

<<UNI: Fer sure.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be all aright.”

<<ALL: DAMN!

                                                        Sawman said as he grabbed Jupiter from around back. He then held a Chain Blade to her throat. “Oh Salad Moon! Back off unless you want to see head come off. I guarantee it won’t be pretty.”

<<UNI: I don’t even think that will shut her up about her boyfriend.

            Sailor Jupiter smashed her heel down into Sawman’s foot. “This must be what human’s call pain.”

<<BECKY (Sawman): Somebody get me a Tetanus Shot.

<<OP (random robot): But you’re a robot.

<<BECKY (Sawman): And the Rabies series as well. No telling were she’s been.

<<UNI (Sawman): And Penicillin.

He dropped the blade. Jupiter grabbed his arm and flung him over on to Graniteman. She then ran back to her comrades.

<<UNI (Sailor Jupiter with a Russian Accent): DA! This great training. Just like fighting CIA-swine.

“Now Sailor Moon.”

<<OP (Random Scout): Now Sailor Moon.

<<BECKY (Random Scout): NOW Sailor Moon.

<<UNI (Random Scout): NOW SAILOR MOON!

<<BECKY (Sailor Moon whiney): You’re so mean to me!

<<UNI (Sailor Mars): Meatball Head!

<<OP: Yes, Folks, the Sailor Moon Skit.

“Right! Moon Tiara, Magic!”

<<BECKY: Pretty Coquettish Bomber!

<<        Uni and Op stare at her.

<<BECKY: WHAT! So I’ve seen a couple of episodes. That hardly makes

me an addict.

<<OP (whispering to Uni): What is that from?

<<UNI: (whispering to Op): Trust me you don’t want to know.

“Emergency Transport!”

<<UNI: Emergency Contrivance!

                                          Sawman yelled before the magic attack hit. All three disappeared. The tiara returned directly to Sailor Moon.

“That was weird.”

<<OP: And who are they to judge what is normal?

<<BECKY: I’m pretty sure we are.

<<UNI: Let’s see: robots, magic girls, and fanfics. Damn normal for around here.

“Weirder than normal.”

<<OP: Just what is normal for a Sailor Scout?

“Next time we fight them, I’ll trash them but good.”

<<UNI: Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle. Sailor Says.

End

<<ALL:YAAAAA!

Chapter: NO NEED FOR HAIRCUTS

<<ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

<<BECKY: Tenchi Muyo: No Need for Magic Girls.

            This isn’t your typical hair salon. It has sinks, chairs, and hair dryers.

<<UNI: A V.I.P. Room with a mirrored ceiling with lots of leather straps

hanging down.

<<        OP and Becky just bury their faces in the manuscripts.

Plus, behind the two-way mirror was a man. Tallish, wore a gray military-style uniform, and white hair down to his shoulder blades. His name is Kunzite, top general of the Negaverse. Lately, he has had a spate of bad luck: lost the Rainbow Crystals to the Sailor Scouts, lost the Silver Crystal, lost Queen Beryl’s favour, lost his true love, Zoicite, to Queen Beryl’s wrath. His only saving was that he captured Tuxedo Mask and brainwashed him into working for the Negaverse. Over all, it has been a pretty crappy week. He didn’t want any thing to do with the man who walking up behind him.

<<BECKY: I must once again congratulate Joe on summing up about several months’ worth of episodes in one incomprehensible run on sentence.

“Will you just go away?”

<<UNI: Sure why not?

<<        Starts to get up to leave but Op grabs an antenna forcing Uni back.

“Will you tell me what kind of cockamainy scheme you guys got cooked up now?” Negaman asked.

<<UNI (Kunzite): We need to raise some cash so we will build a pen and put roosters in it and have people bet on the winner.

                              Kunzite just ignored him. Five minutes later. Ten minutes later.

<<OP (Kunzite): When is that pizza going to get here?

“Oh all right. I’m trying to find the Sailor Scouts. All girls like to get their hair done. The hair dryers are equipped with a scanner. If it detects The Scouts’ power signature, it will trap them.”

<<OP: Are these guys blind or what?

“I see, setting your sights to a more attainable goal: from world domination to conquering the world of split ends and dry scalps. I do commend you though. These dryers are also equipped with energy drainers that take a little bit of life energy from the victim. Plus you get the money they pay.”

“Uh…right…yeah.” Where does this guy come from? How does he know so much?

<<OP: Wish I had though of that money bit.

“What makes you so sure they will come in here? There are thousands of salons in this town.”

<<BECKY (Kunzite): Maybe you haven’t notice but wherever we are the Scouts always show up.

“We have more than one set up, duh.”

“Just asked to annoy you.”

“You like to annoy people, don’t you?

<<        Op and Becky throw cans at Uni.

<<UNI: I didn’t say anything!

                                                               One of these days you are going to annoy the wrong person. Queen Beryl wants to have a word with your less than helpful, and very annoying help.”

<<OP (Kunzite): Just remember that you are one of Joe’s original characters.

“E-mail me at double u, double u, double u, dot, Negaman, at, bite me, dot, hotmail, dot, COM.”

<<OP: 404 error: file not found.

“I don’t need to be here. Neither do you. I’m going to check in at some of the other spots.”

<<UNI: Mustang Ranch, Bunny Ranch...

“I think I’ll hang around and get my hair done, if you don’t mind.”

“Yes I do.”

<<ALL: Yes we do.

“Good.” Kunzite then magically transported out. A minute later Mina Aino and Serena Tsukino walked in.

“Bad timing as usual.

<<BECKY: For the badguys of course.

                                   This should be interesting. Well, it would if didn’t all ready know what is going to happen.” Negaman mused.

<<OP: If he all ready knew, then why did he ask?

“Come on Serena. It’ll be fun. A good trip to the salon all ways cheers me up.”

<<OP: Doesn’t take much to cheer her up.

“Okay. Looks like there only one left, you go first.” Serena sat down in the lobby. Mina walked to the counter and a stylist took her to a seat. Serena just sat staring at the floor. Several women walked out. Serena didn’t notice the dopey expressions on their faces.

<<Becky: Yes, she is too busy looking at her dopey expression in the shiny floor.

“Miss, did you want a turn?”

<<UNI: Yes. Non-puking please.

“Uh, yes. Thank you.” She got up and walked over to first available seat. The hairdresser undid Serena’s hair buns and leaned the chair back into the sink and started washing her hair. As she did so, she turned around as Mina sat under a hair dryer. Using her Negaverse Magic Powers, the stylist could see an energy readout in front of the machine. It showed a reading of high proportions.

<<BECKY: That’s it! This scene is totally ass backwards! Usagi gets her hair done first! Kunzite is using a strand of hair to find her DNA!

<<UNI: I think Joe was basing this scene on what he thought he saw on the Korean edition.

<<BECKY: That’s supposed to make me feel better?

<<OP: I’m pretty sure we could tell Joe what he did wrong he would be glad to change it.

<<UNI: And miss this wonderful opportunity to riff him mercilessly?

<<BECKY: Yeah. That makes me feel better.

“Excuse me, Miss” Serena was fast asleep.

<<BECKY: Even though he screwed the scene up, he keeps her in character.

                                                                      She walked over to Mina and stood in front of her.

“I got you now, Sailor Moon!”

<<OP: I got you now Optimus Prime.

<<UNI: I got you now, He-Man.

<<BECKY: I got you now, Ariel.

<<OP: I got you now, Lion-O.

<<UNI: I got you now, Captain America.

<<BECKY: I got you now, insert any hero’s name here.

<<ALL (dully): Yes we’ve heard a thousand times before.

Mina looked up with total shock plastered on her face. Suddenly an electrical field surrounded her draining all her energy. She screamed out in pain waking Serena.

<<        Uni snoring loudly then wakes up with a jolt.

<<UNI: …football practice.

“Mina!” Serena jumped up flaying water and soap everywhere. She ran over to Mina, but was grabbed by the lapels and held up by the stylist who had transformed into a Negaverse monster.

<<OP: Obviously Joe is depending on the reader to have actually seen this particular episode to understand half of what is going on.

<<UNI: Do you?

<<OP: I have seen this episode, I still don’t get it.

“Are you a Sailor Scout too? Let’s see.” The monster pointed at another hair dryer. Just then it was engulfed in flames that streaked from the front of the store to the rear. When the flames disappeared, the monster was just a silhouette of ash, which blew all over Serena.

“GROSS! Thanks a lot Mars!” She looked to the front and it wasn’t Sailor Mars standing in the doorway.

<<OP: Instead it was Sailor Jamie Farr.

<<BECKY: Thank God Sailor Moon wasn’t on in the Fifties.

<<UNI: These have got to be the more obscure riffs yet.

“Ha Ha Ha! I feel rather insulted by that. I have a much better personality. For that I challenge you to a duel, Sailor Moon! Come on! ISSO!”

<<OP: Huh?

<<BECKY: I can’t even tell you what that means.

<<UNI: AYBABTU.

“Just what the heck are you?”

<<UNI (John Candy): I’m a Mog: half man and half dog; I’m my own best friend

“Phoenixman. J.P.I. Number Four. Negacon Leader. I’ll wait out here for you to change.” He walked off.

<<OP (Snagglepuss): Exit, stage left.

            Serena stood there puzzled by it all.

<<ALL: Uhhhhhhhhh.

                                                                   Not another robot.

<<UNI: Better be glad she isn’t Megaman.

                                                                                    Mina moaned. Serena went over to her.

<<BECKY: You mean tripped over her.

“Are you okay?”

<<BECKY (Mina): I’ve had several years of experience with this before

meeting you.

“I will be. Don’t let him get away.”

<<UNI (Mina): I’ll check to see if there are any more flame throwing robots out the back. Way back.

“Right. MOON PRISM POWER!”

<<UNI: She didn’t yell out ‘Make Up’ again.

<<        Op ducks. A second later he pokes his head back up and is immediately hit with Becky’s powder puff.

<<OP: Why do you keep hitting ME with that thing?

<<UNI: I’m more curious to know where she keeps that thing. She didn’t have her purse on when she came in here.

<<        Becky smacks Uni with the powder puff.

                                                           Serena was surrounded by white light and changed into Sailor Moon. Still covered in soap and soot. She then charged out of the shop and into the street.

<<OP: Blue Falcon,

<<UNI: and Dog Wonder,

<<OP/UNI: AWAY!

*

            A few minutes earlier, Negaman was brushing his long white hair with his back to the mirror. Mind lost in thought. “This reminds of when I was younger. Mom used to brush my hair all the time. I think she wanted to have a girl. Dad wanted my hair to be cut, but Mom insisted on letting it grow. He never let her brush his, but I did see him brush hers on occasion. Maybe I should trim it; it is a real pain to get it all inside my helmet.” He sat the brush down. He grabbed his hair band and tied his hair into a ponytail at the base of his skull. “Of course, I wonder why Dad wanted my hair cut when he grew his down to his waist. How long has it taken me to grow this mop?”

<<BECKY: I wonder what conditioner he uses.

<<        Becky gets a brush out and starts brushing her hair. Op looks at her.

<<BECKY: What? I just this overwhelming urge to brush my hair.

<<UNI: Just what is the point behind this paragraph?

<<OP: 47.

<<UNI: Nope. I can’t seem to put any cosmic significance on that number.

<<OP: Then there is no point.

He turned, looked into a real mirror across from him. He didn’t focus on the image, he was watching with his mind's eye. His mind shifted gears

<<        Uni imitates transmission grinding.

<<OP: Why am I not surprised his clutch is out?

                                                                                     to more present concerns. “She is the first. After all these years and universes, I find one I don’t want to leave.

<<OP He doesn’t want to leave the Sailor Moon Universe?

<<BECKY: He doesn’t want to leave the DUBBED Sailor Moon Universe?

<<UNI: He doesn’t want to leave the DiC Dubbed Sailor Moon Universe?

                                                                                                              I know she is not at all interested in me, and I can’t stay here. I must get home. Do I really need to? Can I get her to understand my situation? Or am I just being stupid?”

<<ALL: YES!

                                                                                  A dark image appeared in the mirror, Negaman paid no attention, he was too lost in thought. “I need to concern myself with important matters: like finding an alternate source of power. I can’t believe there are no Litanium crystals anywhere. Every universe I’ve been to has had them. Just one freaking crystal is all I need to leave. I know that Queen Beryl won’t keep her promise. Only if I go to her with the Cyber Scouts and Negacons.”

<<OP: Glaciers advance and retreat. Mountains rise and fall. Entire species become extinct. Yet this scene plods on.

<<UNI: I hope you’re paying attention, there is going to be a really long quiz next period.

            The two-way mirror and bench Negaman was sitting on exploded and he was wrapped in fire. The force of the blast sent him flying into the counter and real mirror in front of him. His armor protected him, except his bear head. His hair and face were burned. He received multiple deep cuts from the glass all over his head. When he came to, Mina was lightly wiping the blood and glass off with a damp cloth. He was confused and his eyes were out of focus.

<<OP (Kirk): Bones, this man, is injured! Help, him!

<<UNI (McCoy): Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor not a…. Oh yeah, let me have a look.

<<BECKY: Not again.

“Roll? What are you doing here? Did you follow me? Just like you.”

<<OP: That cinches it, Megaman crossover.

<<UNI: Like all the robots with “man” in their name didn’t give it away.

“No, Sir. My name is Mina.” It didn’t register on him.

<<OP: KACHING!

“Now you’re trapped here, too. I don’t know if I will be able to leave.”

<<OP: This fanfic.

“Your wounds aren’t that bad, Sir. I’ll take care of you.” He still was a bit out of it.

<<UNI: Unfortunately they’re not bad enough.

“I’ve met the most wonderful girl recently. I think you would like her. She has a brain like yours only natural, sweet and innocent, dark short hair, the only problem is

<<OP (Jesse): That she’s fourteen and jailbait.

                                      that she doesn’t know I exist.” He passed out again.

“Boy, this guy is really out of it. Look at this costume. Is there a Power Rangers Convention in town? He’ll be all right here, I hope. I have enough strength back to be able to help Sailor Moon.” Mina laid the man down,

<<        Uni snickers. Op covers Uni’s mouth.

<<OP: One word and I swear I will use you as a drain snake.

                                                                                       stood up and held up her Venus Pen. When the transformation was complete, she took one more look around for casualties, no one else. She then took one last long look at him. Long white hair, dark skin, and some really strange armor.

<<UNI: Black derby, white body suit with an oversized cod-piece.

“I’d swear I have seen this guy before. But where?” She then rushed out side to help her friend.

<<BECKY: Page thirteen, perhaps?

*

            Sailor Moon was running back and forth across the street. When she got to one side, flames would shoot across her path. She’d turn around and run. When she got to the other side, more flames making her turn around again.

<<UNI: I can picture it all in my mind and I’m loving it.

“How are your dancing skills?” Phoenixman said. He stopped her running by firing streams of fire from both of his hands, which went on either side of Sailor Moon. Then shot quick bursts towards her feet. Each one missing by only a few inches. Sailor Moon picked up her feet or jumped to avoid the fire bursts. She was crying the whole time. Gushing like a faucet.

<<BECKY: You’ll have to pardon Serena, sure she pigs out, cries a lot, sleeps too much, whines, and moans; but on the other hand…

<<        Really long pause.

<<OP: Well?

<<BECKY: Don’t rush me.

“Now, The ‘Can-Can’. Or maybe the ‘Macerena’.”

<<UNI: Lambada? Mambo 69?

“Venus Crescent…” Phoenixman swung his body sideways, aimed and fired in the moment between the second and third incantation of Sailor Venus’s attack. The flame hit her dead on. Engulfing her, after a second she collapsed and the fire dissipated.

<<UNI (Australian) Throw another shrimp on the barby, mate.

“I don’t have to say anything to get my attacks to work.”

<<BECKY: Now if every other magic girl could figure out how to do that.

<<OP: Then these shows would be much shorter.

<<UNI: Mercifully shorter.

“VENUS! NO!” Sailor Moon cried out.

<<OP: Don’t do anything, just drop the chalupa.

                                                              She desperately wanted to check on her friend, but Phoenixman blocked the way. So she retrieved her Moon Crescent Wand

<<OP: Just where does she hide these things?

<<UNI: I can’t believe you asked a question like that.

<<        Becky throws a can at Op.

<<OP: What did I say?

 and performed the maneuvers to activate it. A beam of magical pureness surrounded him.

<<BECKY: I just love the way Joe shortens up the attack sequences.

<<UNI: Now if he could just shorten up his fanfics.

                                                                                                      Phoenixman just smirked.

<<OP (Scotty): Engineering to Cpt Smirk.

<<UNI: I see your smirk and raise you a toothy grin.

<<BECKY: I’ll match you with a pouty lip.

<<OP: CALL!

“Your Moon Healing won’t work on me. I haven’t been captured, drugged, brainwashed, transmutated, youma-ized, yadda, yadda, yadda. I am a Repliroid.

<<OP: Is that like a hemorrhoid?

<<UNI: I’M the one getting cans thrown at him all the time?

                                                                                                        I make my own decisions. I want to destroy you and take over the world.” Phoenixman was walking to Sailor Moon as he talked. She just stood there, frozen in fear. He came to about five feet from her, stopped. Placed his feet shoulder width apart, hung his arms slightly to the front, and bowed his head.

<<UNI (Phoenixman): Lord, for this fist sandwich she is about to receive.

“Just for you, I’ll say it: CHOAS WING, AVTIVATE!

<<OP and BECKY: WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!

*

Amy Anderson was walking home from prep school. She decided to take a different route. Her hair was getting long. She liked to keep hers short. Not to short, she didn’t want to look like a boy. Just keep it out of her eyes, and less time to dry. Her usual salon was closed for renovations, so she decided to go to the one Serena went to.

<<OP: I have all ways wondered way it is that unlike women all over the world, the Scouts never change their hairstyles.

            Amy thought about Serena. Her only real friend in school.

<<UNI: Other than Booze and Denial.

                                                                                                          Sure, she only showed about quiz time. Whenever they studied together, it was Amy doing the actual book work. Still, Serena all ways said hi to her in the hallways all day. She did enjoy the video games in the arcade when they did go there. She didn’t just play them, she analyzed them: graphic detail, music, sound effects, sprite movement, sprite count, and pixel count per sprite.

<<ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!

<<UNI: Nothing like a prime evil scream to relieve stress.

She also secretly laughed at the way Serena played the games, or slobbered over the cute guy at the counter

            Lately though, Amy noticed that

<<OP: That the price of doughnuts went up a nickel?

<<UNI: That guys don’t make passes at girls who release gasses?

<<BECKY: I’m not going to dignify that by throwing a can at his head.

                                                               Serena hasn’t been herself: quiet, head held down, staring off in the distance, hasn’t said a word to her for a couple of days.

<<UNI: This is different than the normal Serena how?

Amy did notice that Serena was on the verge of tears on several occasions, but held it in. She tried to talk to her, but was ignored.

<<UNI (Amy): Hey Serena, I have this letter that says you have inherited a million dollars. Well okay, I’ll just forge your signature.

            Amy was about half a block away from the salon when she noticed what looked like a character from one of Serena’s games standing in front of the store facing it. He lifted his right arm up; his hand was in the doorway so se didn’t see the flame shoot from his hand. She did hear the explosion and see billow of smoked shot through the door. He seemed unaffected by it. Amy was horrified and gasped loudly. There was a walk in phone booth nearby. She ducked in to it and picked up the receiver, she was going to call the police, but stopped. Amy just kept watching the salon.

<<UNI: Smartest girl in all Japan and she can’t figure out the number to 911.

                                A few seconds after the game character waked away, a girl dressed in an outfit like hers, only it had short skirt and knee high red boots came running out of the door. She had soap and ash all in her hair. Her hair was done up in double ponytails. Amy knew it was Sailor Moon. She had seen the news shows from a while back. Now it struck her that she ought to know her. That they had met.

<<OP: Only every day at school. DUH!

            At that instant, Amy saw another girl dressed up like Sailor Moon, only her outfit was orange, come running out of the alley beside the salon. She gasped in fright when the new comer was surrounded by flame.

<<UNI: If you are still reading, congratulations, you are alive.

<<OP: Check your pulse none the less.

“I’ve got to help her, but how?”

<<BECKY: How about dialing 911. YOU’RE IN A PHONE BOOTH!

                                                  A stubbing pain in Amy’s temples welled up through out head and she blacked out. When she came to, her alarm clock was sounding. She had slept thirty minutes late. Fortunately, she set her alarm very early and wasn’t late. She wondered: She all ways beats her alarm by a least ten minutes. Then, why this pounding headache all day again.

<<ALL: Me too, sister. Me too

*

“Where the hell am I?” Negaman sat up. The rush of blood from his head almost made him black out again.

<<OP (Negaman): That’s right! I’m in Joe’s fanfic.

                                   He fought the urge and soon recovered. “That’s right, I’m in this stupid hair salon.” All around him it looked like a bomb went off; glass everywhere, charred timbers, and melted shampoo bottles.

<<UNI (Negaman): Oh no! Now I’m in a Picasso.

Where is that bloody helmet?” He looked around. Saw where two boards were leaning on something in the middle of the floor. Negaman slowly got up and walked over to them. Kicked the wood away to reveal his helmet. It was in sorry shape.

<<UNI: The two best words used to describe this story thus far.

                                                                                                   The eyeglass piece was broken through the center. The red crystal in the forehead was cracked and a third fell out showing the underlying circuitry. Black marks burned into the base metal. The inside cushioning was melted and wires exposed. Negaman punched into it to flatten out the interior. He then put it on. The rough inside cutting into his all ready raw face.

<<OP (Vince McMahon): Tonight: Barbed-Wire Helmet Match! Cactus Jack vs. Mankind. Only on Monday Night RAW!

<<UNI: He’s getting a bit overdue for a good one.

            He walked over to the door to see if there was any trace of the attacker left. What he saw was incomprehensible. Phoenixman had grown wings of fire from his back. They arched back and flapped forward. Standing in front of him was Sailor Moon. He new there was no time to react. Sailor Moon would be crushed and burned alive.

<<OP and UNI: YES! YES! YES!

That didn’t happen,

<<OP and UNI: DAMN!

                                  at the last second, Sailor Hurricane jumped right in front of Sailor Moon and held out her arms and stopped the crushing action.

<<OP and UNI: BOOOOO! HISSSS!

“Get away Sailor Moon! I can’t hold him any longer!” She just stood there in shocked fright. Hurricane realized this. In a desperate attempt, vaulted up while still holding off Phoenixman, and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

                      and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

                      and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

                      and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

                      and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

                      and mule-kicked Sailor Moon in the gut.

<<UNI (Marv Albert): Let’s see that again!

<<        Op smacks Uni.

<<OP: As much as I liked that part; KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE

CUT AND PASTE!!

<<UNI: I had to make up for her not getting crushed and fried.

<<BECKY: I take it guys don’t like Sailor Moon too much.

<<OP: Just the girls named ‘sailor.’

                                                                                                  This got her out of the way, unfortunately, Hurricane lost her grip and the fire wings and they closed on her. After a few seconds, the wings disappeared and Hurricane fell face down on the ground.

“NOOOOO!” Negaman yelled

<<UNI: She owes me ten dollars!

                                                  as he ran over to the fallen Cyber Scout.

“Oh go away.”

<<UNI: Okay.

<<        Uni gets up but both Op and Becky grab him by his antennae bringing Uni back to the table.

<<UNI: That does hurt you know.

<<BECKY: Why do you think we are pulling on them?

                     Phoenixman said as he drew an aim on him. Before he could fire a shot, Sailor Moon’s tiara hit him in the forearm. It created a chain reaction with the stored energy causing his arm to explode.

“You’ll pay for that, bit…”

<<OP: WITCH!

<<UNI: You’re no fun.

                                              Then Sailor Venus’s Smash Attack hit him in the back. Normally Phoenixman is strong against light based attacks, but he used up a lot of energy with his Chaos Wing and his arm was leaking power severely. He pushed the Decepticon symbol on his chest and was transported away.

<<UNI: Hey Joe, how about ripping off Playboy?

            Sailor Moon and Sailor Venus walked over to Negaman and Sailor Hurricane. One holding her stomach, the other holding her left arm against her body. Negaman was trying to use his Tri-corder on Hurricane. He occasionally slapped the side of it with the palm of his hand.

“Are you okay?” Moon asked Venus. “Yeah, only my elbow hurts a lot. Must have landed on it.” The Sailor Senshi Seifuku can take a great deal of punishment.

<<OP: Somebody get me a Japanese/English dictionary.

<<UNI (With bratty voice): MOM! Joe’s putting Japanese words in an English Dub!

<<BECKY: Using the wrong ones to boot.

Negaman picked up Hurricane. Cradling her in both arms and started walking down the street.

“Wait! Who are you?” He just continued walking. The setting sun silhouetting them. Sailor Moon could just barely pick out a mane of hair sticking out from under his helmet.

“I know I’ve seen this somewhere.”

<<UNI: Only in Megaman X, X2…

<<OP: Once was too much.

End

Chapter: NI TSUKI, OSUGIRU

<<OP: I wish he would quit doing that with the Japanese words.

“The principal really lets you wear that headband all the time, Amy?”

<<UNI (Amy): He even tied it for me. Real tight like. Hang man’s noose and all.

“Yes, Serena.

<<OP: There is a Virginia.

<<BECKY: It’s on the map.

<<UNI: It’s purple.

                 My head feels much better

<<UNI: When I slam it into a brick wall after talking with you.

                                                          with it on.” They were on their way home from school. “Principal Zero gave it to me. Said something about his mother having headaches all the time and it helped.”

<<UNI: Didn’t they do that in medieval Times? Restrict the flow of blood to the brain?

<<OP: No, they would usually drill holes in the head for headaches.

<<BECKY: They used axes for the blood part.

                                            They walked by the Crown Arcade and Serena made no move to go inside.

<<BECKY: She lost all heart after the Sailor V game broke and was replaced with Megaman Nine.

<<UNI: Ouch! That’s gotta hurt.

“Are you okay?” Amy asked. If someone can fall asleep while walking and keep their eyes open, Serena is the one.

<<OP (Howard Finkle): Coming to the ring, from Tokyo, Japan. Weighing in at 101 lbs. The One, Serena Gunn.

                                       They were walking past the Juban Restaurant. Something made Amy look inside.

<<BECKY: Like a moth to a flame, fan fiction draws her away from her normal character.

“Look, Serena!

<<BECKY (Amy): For some reason, Andrew changed the name of the restaurant from Crown.

<<UNI: Only she would notice.

<<OP: Or care.

It’s Principal Zero and Miss Haruna!” Serena just stood there. Amy practically dragged her to the window and ducked down. Serena only looked up. She could see Miss Haruna clearly. Amy was below her. She could see Zero. He looked directly at her. Amy’s mind went fuzzy.

<<OP (Homer Simpson): HMMM, choc-o-let.

“Serena…are…you…okay? You…have…not…been…your…self.”

<<BECKY (Amy): You’ve been acting like me.

<<OP (Amy): And I’ve been acting like you.

                                                                                                               She lifted her hand in slow motion. Placed it on Serena’s forehead. “I…don’t…feel…any…thing…wrong.”

<<BECKY (Amy): I don’t feel any thing in there at all.

<<UNI (Serena): I didn’t feel anything last night.

<<        Op takes his manuscript and hits Uni on top of his head.

Amy then stood up and started walking down the street. Serena felt her forehead. When Amy touched it, Serena felt a weird sensation in her head. Amy reached the corner alley between two buildings fifty feet down the road. Her head was turned to the left. Serena looked too, but couldn’t see from her angle what Amy could. Amy turned around and faced Serena. She then took off the headband revealing a golden tiara with a blue jewel in the center. Turned to her left and walked into the alley. Serena got up and ran over to the alley. Her friends Raye, Lita, Mina, and the cats Luna and Artemis were just reaching the back corner of the restaurant.

<<OP: The one from Mega Man?

<<UNI: There’s a cat in Mega Man?

<<BECKY: Tango.

<<OP and UNI: Bless you.

“What’s up with Serena?” Lita asked.

<<UNI: Your old boyfriend?

<<OP: I’ll start using my chair instead of these cans.

“Who knows what goes on in that empty meatba…” Raye was saying when an explosion tore apart the side of the restaurant. Without hesitation, each held up their transformation pen and said their individual incantation and transformed into the Sailor Scouts. They ran through the hole to see if any body needed help.

<<OP: Amazing how not one of them was hit by any shrapnel or anything.

“You again! Just who are you?” Sailor Venus asked.

<<UNI: I’m Batman.

<<OP: THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

<<UNI: I never expected that from him.

<<BECKY: NOBODY EVER EXPECTS THE SENSHI INQUISITION!

“Nobody was hurt. I took the brunt off the blast.” He looked it to. His armor was dented all over with black marks. “Go get Sailor Moon. She went into they alley that way.” He pointed with his right hand at the far wall of the restaurant. Sailor Mars and Jupiter ran back out. Sailor Venus just stared blankly at him.

<<BECKY: She must be reading the same stuff we are.

“Wake up. I’ll take care of the people in here. The Scouts need you more.” She rushed out.

<<UNI (singing): Wake up, Little Mina, wake up.

“That was a Bomb Cracker.

<<OP: Gram cracker?

<<BECKY: Salt cracker?

<<UNI: Rush Limbaugh?

<<        Becky and Op groan.

                                                It was aimed for me.” Negaman thought. “My transporter is still off line so I’ll have to call in for some help with these people.” He picked up the phone and called the local EMS. Then walked over to where Miss Haruna was laying. She was just coming back from the bathroom when the blast hit.

<<        Uni belches.

<<UNI: Excuse me, that chili is tearing me up something fierce.

“You’ll be fine. The paramedics will arrive soon. I need to help out those Scouts. I wonder how Wily and Sigma kept their ‘bots in line?”

*

            One moment, Serena was running into an alley, the next she was looking up into the face of Sailor Mars leaning over her.

<<BECKY (Mars): I was just holding the Moon Wand while you were sleeping, that’s all.

“You can fall asleep about anywhere can you?”

<<BECKY: If you need someone who is an expert at being able to fall asleep anywhere at any time, you can count on Serena.

“Where’s Amy?” Serena sat up and starting rubbing the back of her neck.

<<OP: She’s the one wearing the Coke Bottle Glasses and the red and white shirt with pointy hat.

“I didn’t see her.”

<<BECKY: She doesn’t see a whole lot when her mouth is running.

“Who?” Venus asked.

<<UNI: Clinton’s cat.

<<OP: Socks.

“You know, that really smart girl Serena hangs out with.” Jupiter said. “I thought I saw her walk into this alley.”

<<UNI (Lita): I didn’t recognize this alley right away, I’m used to seeing at night where I meet my future ex-boyfriends.

“Artemis and I will look for her.” Luna ran down the alley and Artemis went up a nearby fire escape.

<<OP: Thereby escaping the next several pages of fan fiction idignity.

Come on Serena! We Need Sailor Moon!” Mars nagged.

<<BECKY (Serena): Really?

<<UNI (Mars): No *not* really.

Serena held up her hand.

<<OP: Talk to the hand ‘cause the ears don’t want to hear it.

“Moon Prism Power” and then transformed into Sailor Moon. “All right! We got some bad guys to beat up. Let’s go Scouts.” She ran to the front of the alley. Noticed that nobody followed her.

<<UNI: The other Scouts have finally wised up.

“Hello! Yoo-hoo! Sailor Scouts. The Negaverse is attacking.” She turned around to look at them, the saw why they weren’t moving. Standing in the middle of the three Scouts was Serena Tsukino.

<<ALL: OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!

*

            Negaman dived out of the café; explosions going off at his heels

<<UNI: Some Goldbond would take care of that.

                                                                                                             as he ran to the other side of the street. He knew his attackers would have a harder time getting a bead on him at this angle.

<<OP: That is unless they have troops positioned on the other side as well.

                            As he got to the opposite sidewalk, three hand grenades landed a few feet from him. Negaman took off running down the street as fast as he could. He was barely out of range when they went off. He stopped when another one landed at his feet. He picked it up and tossed back in the air. As it exploded another one bounced off his helmet. He ran back the other way. Negaman spied a sewer cover, jumped up and landed at the edge swinging it open enough to let him down.

<<BECKY: Bets on the Ninja Turtles showing up now?

*

“Wicked cool! I’ve always wanted to meet you Sailor V! Can I have your autograph?”

<<BECKY: As if I wasn’t lost enough before.

“Uh… sure thing, Serena.”

<<UNI (Sailor Venus): I’ll even demonstrate my favourite scene from “Running Man” for you.”

“I know I have some paper somewhere. Oh man! Where’s my book bag? Of all times. Are you filming a new movie? Are they your new super team?”

<<OP (Random Scout): We’re going to call ourselves the Superfriends.

<<UNI: We need a new powerless dimwit sidekick, want to join?

“WILL YOU SHUT UP! We don’t have time for this! Sailor Venus, watch meatball head and make sure she doesn’t get in the way. Mars and Jupiter with me. NOW!” This was very much unlike Sailor Moon and the other Scouts cringed. When more explosions went off, they did as they were told.

<<UNI (Sailor Moon a la Cartman): Respect mah authority!

“She needs to chill.

<<BECKY: Looks like the responsibility of leadership is starting to stress Sailor Moon out.

                              Say, how do you know my name, Sailor V?” Venus stood there completely dumbfounded. Sailor Hurricane and Dragoon holding an unconscious Artemis stared down dumbfounded too.

<<OP: I doesn’t take much.

*

<<BECKY: Joe is now doing the typical fanfic convention: write one or two lines, maybe a paragraph of less than descriptive action. Then do a scene change.

<<UNI: That sort of makes up for that hair talk earlier.

                Negaman was looking cross eyed down the length of a M16 rifle.

<<OP (Negaman): I wonder which way the bullets travel?

The sewers were just about a good idea as running across the road. There was a robot waiting for him down there too, Jetman.

<<UNI: I would hum the Megaman Theme, but I can’t decide on which one.

“I know that your armor is bullet proof. Except that space where the eye lens is missing.”

<<OP: Yes, if I were to build armor I would certainly make it bullet proof except around my eyes, or heart, maybe even my spine.

‘Why are you guys doing this?”

<<UNI (Jetman): Sez right here on page twenty-nine to hold gun to your head.

“You want information?

<<OP: I know this guy who works at a top secret nuke plant. Works in sector 7G.

                                         Talk to loose lips Maficman. All you’re getting from me is a 5.56 mm round between the eyes.” Jetman brought the edge of his buster

<<OP: I’m Buster Bunny.

<<BECKY: And I’m Babs Bunny.

<<OP and BECKY: No relation.

<<UNI: Or so they would like you to believe.

                                                                                                                up to where his ear would be. Negaman figured the other Negacons where talking to him.

<<UNI: Wears and mental control collar.

<<OP: Jake, Cat from outer space.

<<BECKY: You two have been doing that this whole time. What’s up with that?

<<OP: You know, I really have no idea how this started.

<<UNI: Somehow, I have this weird feeling that Garfield is involved in this.

“…but… I… wait… I have… NO DON’T!” He disappeared in flash of blue light. Negaman sighed. That was too close.

<<BECKY (Negaman): Thank goodness he never realized the safety was still on.

                                                                   He guessed that the other robots where having trouble with the Sailor Scouts. He knew the Scouts would need help soon enough.

<<OP: ‘Soon Enough?’ How about from day one?

*

            All the toilets suddenly flush. All three rush into the stalls at once.

UNI (Becky as Boughbreaker): That old black magic…

            Full cans of soda fly out of Becky’s and Op’s stalls and into Uni’s stall. A minute later Op and Uni flush and leave. Big relieved smiles plastered on their faces. A gurgling sound starts to come from Becky’s stall. Then a geyser of water shoots up to the ceiling. Becky slams open the stall door. Her sweater and skirt totally soaked. She crashes through the boarded up main door like paper. The stall door slowly swings back revealing a flattened Op. He stumbles on over to the wrecked doorway.

OP: What do you know? None of boards were actually nailed into the door jam. We could have left at any time.

            Starts strumming lips with fore finger as he side steps out of sight. Uni hops into the stall looking around.

UNI: I’d swear she wasn’t wearing them when she left.

            J.D. Drops onto his head pushing it into the bowel. Dizzily walks along the rim and onto the handle flushing the toilet. Which sucked Uni in. J.D. shakes his head and removes the panties. Looks up and sees Ron’s head embedded into the ceiling.

J.D.: Don’t worry, bud! I’ll save you! I need a ladder, and my camera!

            Drapes the underwear over the rim and leaves. A second later, an antenna pops up, hooks it self through the leg holes and pulls it into the bowel.

*

15-mar-01. Started.

31-mar-02. Finally finished.

31-dec-04. Final edit for web site.